Looks like someone didn't just kill summer... 10:01

Kian Oduya should be in prison. Back To Reality has come into exclusive possession of some disturbingly incriminating evidence that shows what appears to be a straight-up confession by Kian over a hit and run incident two years ago.


According to Kian, he was driving back from a party in the early hours of the morning, hit a pedestrian and...drove off.

"I've lived with this for the last two years", moans killer-Kian, without a trace of regret.




This 'confession' happened a few weeks back on the WKS bus and was, unknown to Kian, caught by the bus cameras (hello you fool - this is a reality show...the cameras are rolling!) It was never broadcast and the producers believed the tape has been erased. But, dear readers, as you will have gathered by now, David Hampton is better than any hack when it comes to digging out the truth.


When Dieter, understandably, urged cold-blooded Kian to go to the police, the coward replied:
"Hit and run? they'll lock me away - five years minimum..."


Well sir, you better get used to it - BTR takes a pretty dim view of this sort of thing.

Though i'm sure now I've done the right thing the relevant authorities will be in touch...

Only happy to help.


It's nice to be nice you know - your caring friend David.

Who Killed the vibe? 20:41

Get me off this bus and away from these idiots!

This lot really don't like each other. I'm loving it. They obviously signed up for what they thought would be one endless VIP party, and found themselves lumped together in close confinement with a bunch of their worst nightmares. And now they have to endure it for nearly 2 solid months!! It's like a bizarre version of 'Survivor'.

Oh yes, things are really hotting up between the busmates:

Emma hates Claire's goody two-shoes behaviour.

Dieter's hippy-dippy lifestyle is annoying everyone.

Tete's mysteriouly spending a lot of time in 'the toilets' these days.

And Kian and Jude are fighting over leadership.

I predict we are inches away from a proper ruck!

Finally, now the entertainment starts!

11 down... 08:48

Fascinating article on thewrap.com. Some boffin has done the research and concluded that since reality TV began all those years ago (roughly agreeded to be when BB started) that no less than 11 fragile contestants have tried to top themselves once the music stops.

Once again bolstering my point: these puppets shouldn't take part in this shit. Reality TV is seriously dangerous for your health weak people.

Wonder how long now until we can tally a list of those MURDERED on reality TV?

Mum, Am I Ugly? 14:50

After all these years of scrutinising and shafting reality TV, it still utterly amazes me how thick skinned most of these idiots are. Right here is a classic example. Marcus, aka the night strangler, aka wolfman, aka creepy pillock - was almost reduced to tears yesterday after seeing one of the official BB pics of himself.

He's got it into his bonce that the picture is unflattering, and that seeing it 'almost made me cry'. Unflattering??!! When was the last time this preposterously unattractive knob actually looked in the mirror? When watching him on screen I can almost hear the collective tsunami of vomiting from women (and men-fancying men) up and down the country. Watercooler BB conversations (all 3 of them for this series) inevitably focus on the sheer jaw-dropping ugliness of Marcus - inside and out.

Indeed, his physical appearance (akin to a 10 year old trying to dress up as an X-man with only his mum's wig and stick on brillo-pads to hand) is bad enough. But coupled with his truly revolting manner around the opposite sex, combines to him easily qualifying for a Chanel FIVE shockumentary about ugly folk as medical phenomena.

He simply cannot have enjoyed much female companionship over the years - the ponytail, the sideburns, the dodgy eye, the 'rapey' demeanour - would have put pay to that. So how the hell does he manage to build an ego that can be reduced to tears by, what he thinks is, an unflattering picture?

Watch his face (try and endure it) as he's evicted. As the doors open he seriously expects an army of adoring fans to be whooping with adoration. I cannot wait to see how the woverine boat of his tries to mask the utter shock at the scale of loathing pointing towards him.

P.S. A rarely seen picture of Dogface, having accidentally looked at Marcus first thing in the morning.

Even her so called friends hate her 14:25

{claire and so called 'friend'}

---Celebrity status alert! Genius irony alert! BTR has been featured in an episode of WKS - Look mum I'm on the telly!!!!---

It was my gentle observations of Claire that made the cut - the last episode when she runs off blubbing. Oh Claire, Claire, Claire. The little kingFISHER. So sensitive to the critisism. So fragile.

Well tough titty sweet-pea. BTR accepts zero responsibility for telling it exactly like it is when it comes to the plastic people who actually take part in these shows. No siree.

The show is now becoming increasingly hysterical to watch - Emma is doing everything in her power to ditch Claire! But she just won't take the hint.

As far as I can tell, the only winner of Claire being on the show is her boyfriend. At least he gets some peace and quiet from her sexless whinings for a few weeks.

But seriously, is Claire-bear exuding some rank smell or something? Because her bus-buddies are anything but her buddies. In the epsiode we see Kian stumble across my humble blog, Claire gets a glimpse and storms off in proper tears. Didn't see Emma, Jude or Kian exactly falling over themselves to go and comfort her. Instead they had a bit of a giggle:

Emma: (Laughing - comparing C to Silke Kauffman) "It looks like her doesn't it?!"
Miaow.

Dogface doesn't know 22:40

WHY is the current series of Big Brother getting lower viewing figures than crap like 'The Baby Who Swallowed a Baby Elephant' on Living? It' not even getting 2million a night now - that's like less than The Sky at Night (probably)

Has the nation finally fallen out of love with reality TV? Or is reality TV, as we know and hate it, finally running out of steam?

I was fascinated, but not at all surprised, to learned that 80% of this year's housemates have 'below average IQs'. I mean, seriously, if you did actually put 10 monkeys in a room alongside 10 of this year's contestants - both with typewriters, the monkeys would definitely churn out War & Peace quicker.

But the stupidest by far. Quite possibly the thickest plank ever to grace our screens - the woman who genuinely makes Jade Goody's retardo-rants look like the brainy musings of an Oxford academic, has to be Dogface. Last night I counted the amount of times she said 'I dunno'. It was a learning-difficulty-tastic 53!! She uses the words as punctuation, as adjectives, as nouns and verbs and other grammar stuff - sometimes just randomly on their own, like a fluffy yellow bird tweeting the same stupid little tweet.

One sentence actually consisted of: "It's like, I dunno, I think he, I dunno, I haven't said anything to him but, I dunno, he's, I dunno. I dunno what to say because, I dunno, he just seems really, I dunno. It's like he's, I dunno, kind of, I dunno". THAT was the sentence! Literally.

Now, dear readers, as you well know, no one loathes reality TV - those that make it (badly) and those that 'star' in it - more than me. But COME ON. Surely there is just enough life left in the old dog to churn out something beyond having to watch a gang of vapid, vain, backward assholes walking around telling each other 'I dunno' all day?

Someone please - help me care about hating this goddamn stuff again.

Britain's Got... The Walmsleys 15:35

Jack Walmsley, 45 - "Our friends think we're crackpots".

When even your friends think you're totally mental, does that not give you a clue to how deranged you are?

Yes this is the sad story of the Walmsley family, who have decided that what the world definitely needs is a 24/7 live stream of their mundane and pointless lives.

The fact that they look like the bastard spawn of Sloth from the Goonies makes this an even more hideous proposition.

There's not even a clever idea behind it - if you're going to attempt some sub-big brother rip off at least make an effort.

Next time Walmsley's stick to radio. Or preferably contraception.

'Big Brother gives ordinary people a chance' 15:21

Big Brother 2008:

Rex: "How many days are there in two years?"

Rachel: "There's 56 in a year"

Mohamed "That's a leap year"

Big Brother 2009:

Compulsory IQ test - note 100 is AVERAGE.

• Karly 79
• Rodrigo 89
• Noirin 80
• Sree 74
• Cairon 92
• Siavash 99
• Charlie 97
• Kris 92
• Angel 94
• Lisa 55
• Saffia 69
• Sophie 60
• Marcus 122
• Sophia 128
• Freddie 125

Morons every last one, being manipulated for the entertainment of the masses.

(*Idea BB producers - maybe next time check the IQs and then cast people with real intelligence instead of these dregs... who knows, you might get a better show)

oh, and we almost got away with it. 21:33

It's incredible - BB10 has done it, finally we've reached a point where the producers and the cast have almost given up any pretence that this show is anything but a chance for all involved to make a quick buck.

The producers admitted as much even before they began when they talked about cracking down on 'fake romances' - and yet what do we have just a 10 days in, but the two pretty morons (read dogface + visual merchandiser, wtf? - you mean you work in a shop?) are rumbled.

Not only that, but the pair are so vacant they couldn't even manage to string it along for a few days. Clearly they were both so wrapped up in their clever scheme that they forgot that Big Brother might be filming them.

Like all the time... you know... for the show? yeah? all those cameras? remember? oh, oops, of course! dammit big brother, you're so clever.

No one goes on reality TV as themselves anymore - everyone tries to play a game, thinks they know better, and time and time again they're shown up.

Against all the odds they've made Halfwit look like Steven hawking.

The 'might as well vote for me coz all parties are the same anyway aren't they and anyway who gives a shit about the ordinary voter' party 10:39

Freddie BB10. Mr "I'm in this for a laugh" - Mr, "Let's all just enjoy this experience right now gang...no agendas" - Mr "some people come onto this show for the fame or exposure but not me, I'm just a good time guy who wants everyone to love each other and get along"

No wonder our entire political system is in total meltdown when pillocks like this are the kind of numbskulls that actually end up getting the jobs and, in turn, ruling our lives. "Better the Devil you know" eh Freddie? Actually NO. Better you get evicted immediately and never, ever win an election anywhere near me.

Bad Brother 09:10

I can't believe it's already that time of year again. Where does the time go eh? And this one really looks set to top the lot. Last night's cast of tits are easily the most fame-hungry, self-regarding, empty, retarded bunch of puppets ever to grace our screens.

I can feel the lava rising.

Just an hour in and already this bitch, who spent her whole intro-interview extolling her own beauty, literally "I'd give myself a 10", only to agree to have her eyebrows shaved off and a pair of comedy glasses and moustache drawn onto her mug in permanent marker pen 'indefinitely', in order to secure a place in the house...Jesus help me

(note to producers: The whole 'win tasks for a place in the house' is a shite idea that conveys to your audience that you are desperate and scraping the barrel from the off. Try harder you muppets)

It's Not My Fault Officer 17:49

It's all soooo grubby isn't it?

"I shouldn't drive babe"

"Go home Dane, before the paps turn up...They snap you here and Pete really will go apeshit"

"Is that it? I'm all worked up now"

"Thanks for the wine. Was it really 3 for a tenner?"

"I'll give you 3 for a tenner!"

"Go!

I'll call you...Cheeky!"

Darwin was wrong 15:28

Ok, so news that Paris Hilton is looking for godparents which is no biggie - she's accepted enough sperm donors to make her a bonafide charitable organisation, so its odds on that she'll be spitting out some hideous offspring before long, so why not get in early.

According to wikipedia:

"The modern view of a godparent tends to be an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child's upbringing and personal development."

Hmm. So first off this kid is going to grow up with mummy Paris, (no dad - he'll be shagging an Olsen by then) and sharing cot space with a mangy handbag sized dog called Pootsie, whilst developing early onset epilepsy from endless flash photography.

As if that's not enough to cripple the poor bag of bones, it's going to get sex-ed from the Hilton family home videos and then 'personal development' from posh and becks.

Survival of the fittest? Looks like we just proved Darwin wrong...

Golden age of cinema? 22:40

So it turns out that Lindsay 'why am i here' Lohan is set to pose as Marilyn Monroe.

For the second time.

Of course... why bother to be photographed as yourself? - I mean that's so 2008 - why not just pick a real star and play pretend. I mean that star on the Hollywood walk of fame can't be too far off. I mean she's ticking boxes, she just picked up the wrong form...

APPLICATION FOR HOLLYWOOD STAR - requirements:

1. Are you a good actor? Y/N
2. Have you made important films Y/N
3. Do you inspire others? Y/N

APPLICATION FOR FAME HUNGRY WANNABE - requirements:

1. Have you shagged Calum Best? Y/N
2. Would you flash your minge outside a club? Y/N
3. Have you starred in a Herbie movie? Y/N

Ahh, so easy to pick up the wrong piece of paper...

Our work here is done 11:10

Thanks to this knob: full of hot air and pointless - the (just now elected) patron-saint of reality TV:

Mr Methane - Britain's Got Talent

Preposterously over-confident Apprentice moment #11234 00:26

Sexy Lorraine, selling the flabbergastingly stupid ‘cat box’ (“I throw away cardboard boxes every day”, small pet-shop owner – “but this one’s a spitfire”, juicy Lorraine) to a single, independent hardware store on the edge of Liverpool: When asked how many units she’d hope they might take she, and without a trace of irony, retorted –

“5000”.

A quick calculation by the owner – “So you think we’d shift 400 of these a week…through this single store?” – “Yes”, a sincere, tell me your problems, gorgeous Lorraine, “yes, I believe you could easily shift 400 a week”.

Cue jaw hitting table, hand banging head involuntarily…

Pants man goes 00:18

Thank the Gods of reality for that one. So, Phillip, aka ‘the missing link’ gets the boot. It couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke. Having spent 7 weeks bullying, snideing, moaning and generally wasting his obsessively won 15 minutes, it all came down to one thing: Suralan: “Phillip, your attitude won’t sit in my organisation”. Phillip, gracious to the end, huffed out of the boardroom muttering ‘joke’. No shit Phil, you are – and now everyone that you meet back at the pokey estate agents, somewhere far away in the North East, will think so too – which means you’ll have to throw in more extras, more ‘gold look’ door handles, more white appliances, to bag a sale. Ha bloody ha.