Who Killed the vibe? 20:41

Get me off this bus and away from these idiots!

This lot really don't like each other. I'm loving it. They obviously signed up for what they thought would be one endless VIP party, and found themselves lumped together in close confinement with a bunch of their worst nightmares. And now they have to endure it for nearly 2 solid months!! It's like a bizarre version of 'Survivor'.

Oh yes, things are really hotting up between the busmates:

Emma hates Claire's goody two-shoes behaviour.

Dieter's hippy-dippy lifestyle is annoying everyone.

Tete's mysteriouly spending a lot of time in 'the toilets' these days.

And Kian and Jude are fighting over leadership.

I predict we are inches away from a proper ruck!

Finally, now the entertainment starts!

The WKS paranoia grows 08:53

Who is it bus-mates? Who's watching you....

I can see you Claire.

I'm watching you Tete...

Kian, don't think you aren't being overseen

Dieter, that's revolting

I saw that Jude

Emma, the walls have eyes.

11 down... 08:48

Fascinating article on thewrap.com. Some boffin has done the research and concluded that since reality TV began all those years ago (roughly agreeded to be when BB started) that no less than 11 fragile contestants have tried to top themselves once the music stops.

Once again bolstering my point: these puppets shouldn't take part in this shit. Reality TV is seriously dangerous for your health weak people.

Wonder how long now until we can tally a list of those MURDERED on reality TV?

BTR gets starring role 22:28

Back to this summer's most bizarre reality effort, Who Killed Summer. Contestants here are using this blog as it's sick note, it's excuse to teacher. Not one episode goes past when this lot don't obssess about what's posted here? What can we say - glad to be of service.

In today's episode, loathsome wannabe reality hero Kian rallies his raggle taggle troupe into mutiny - telling the producers to basically piss off and that the six of them will be doing one for a few days! I have to admit - reality TV GOLD! The contestants demand a weekend break??!! And get one! Genius.

He pretends to be reading from everyone's favourite blog, yours truly, blagging that we've been leaked information and written about the conflict, with mystic meg-like accuracy.

There's no denying it - our little posts about their banal, vacant goings on have certainly put the wind up them - it's like watching a bunch of students descend into a bad trip - paranoia flying around like a cloud of bats. They are convinced that one of the production crew are feeding me a steady stream of pics and secret footage, all less than flattering, juicy stuff. Which, of course, I can neither confirm or deny.

This is quite a nice new feeling - directly influencing these gormless puppets myself - BTR produces WKS...this I like..

I'm not game-planning...not even for £100,000 15:03

My hand hurts. I have once again involuntarily punched the screen. I am of course watching Big Brother.

'I don't have a game plan', says living cigarette lezza Lisa.

'I know everyone's game plan' whinges Freddie 'I'm so clever that I can read all of them - but you can't read mine because I am a Greek God and better than you', he almost added.

'We don't have game-plans' cheep the rest, like the gormless mass they are...

Well why not you stupid twats?

Let's just go over this once again shall we?

1: You audition for Big Brother - a reality show in which strangers live together, nominating each other for eviction that the public vote on weekly.

2: The prize for the last one standing after, what seems like, 18,975 episodes, is a cool £100,000

3: You win a place on the show

4: You try and get on with people and make the viewers like you

5: You nominate people for eviction and hope you aren't nominated

6: You try and stay on the show for as long as possible - £100K is a lot of dosh.

Despite this - you have no plan whatsoever. You think 'playing the game and going for the cash prize' is, what, undignified? Not cricket? Goes against the egalitarian, anti-capitalist spirit of the vision for a new world order that you have dedicated your life to bringing about, with this appearance on Big Brother being just one step of your highly intricate journey towards that goal?

For Chrissakes, you all have a game plan - put very simply, it is a plan to win. Unless, of course, you are severely mentally impaired (stand up 43% of all past contestants) and have no idea what a cash prize is.

I have a game-plan. It's quite short really. It involves lining all reality contestants up on a very long plank that hovers over very deep water from a very bouncy boat. And, here's the plan bit, I plan to jump up and down on the springy boat because, if my plan works, they will all fall in.

And there is no rescue boat around for 800 nautical miles.

And I don't plan to throw any of the life jackets.

I like my plan.

Mum, Am I Ugly? 14:50

After all these years of scrutinising and shafting reality TV, it still utterly amazes me how thick skinned most of these idiots are. Right here is a classic example. Marcus, aka the night strangler, aka wolfman, aka creepy pillock - was almost reduced to tears yesterday after seeing one of the official BB pics of himself.

He's got it into his bonce that the picture is unflattering, and that seeing it 'almost made me cry'. Unflattering??!! When was the last time this preposterously unattractive knob actually looked in the mirror? When watching him on screen I can almost hear the collective tsunami of vomiting from women (and men-fancying men) up and down the country. Watercooler BB conversations (all 3 of them for this series) inevitably focus on the sheer jaw-dropping ugliness of Marcus - inside and out.

Indeed, his physical appearance (akin to a 10 year old trying to dress up as an X-man with only his mum's wig and stick on brillo-pads to hand) is bad enough. But coupled with his truly revolting manner around the opposite sex, combines to him easily qualifying for a Chanel FIVE shockumentary about ugly folk as medical phenomena.

He simply cannot have enjoyed much female companionship over the years - the ponytail, the sideburns, the dodgy eye, the 'rapey' demeanour - would have put pay to that. So how the hell does he manage to build an ego that can be reduced to tears by, what he thinks is, an unflattering picture?

Watch his face (try and endure it) as he's evicted. As the doors open he seriously expects an army of adoring fans to be whooping with adoration. I cannot wait to see how the woverine boat of his tries to mask the utter shock at the scale of loathing pointing towards him.

P.S. A rarely seen picture of Dogface, having accidentally looked at Marcus first thing in the morning.

Slut 19:42

Well, well I bet her Mum is very proud. What a lady. She's a dark horse that Tete.

From day 1 she's played the whole 'I'm leaving my bad ways behind - this is a chance for me to enjoy myself without the decadence and bad antics that I previously indulged in.'

Really Tete? Well it took you precicesly about 12.4 minutes to drop your knickers for this specimin And what a catch! Where did Kian find this 'toilet roll salesman'? In a toilet?

Billy looks like he hasn't had a bath since his mummy used to do it for him. He practically exudes smell-o-vision. Those rags, sorry clothes, of his have never known washing powder.
I mean, I know that some women like a bit of rough, but c'mon Tete! This is beyond a bit of rough - this is a bit of salmonella.

So, lady that she is, Tete wasted no time in exploring the back of septic's mouth - as these exclusive pictures show. Approximately 3 mins after these were taken, they retired to Tete's tent bunk where, I am reliably informed, they indulged in very noisy, very gratuitous sex.
















Here's a chick who likes to play the sophisticated card showing her true colours - nothing but an easy catch.

Cutting room floored 14:35

Now then, here's a thought.

Heaven forbid, but just imagine if BTR happened to come across some unseen footage from that particular day...Stuff that didn't make it into the actual episode...outtakes...the odd mislaid tape...left on a train, or something...

IF, such an impossible thing did happen, the conversation might have continued like this:

Emma: God she's so F###### sensitive. She can't take any critisism. It's like she thinks she better than you.

Kian: "Yeah, I know what you mean. And she is soooo boring. I can't remember having a single interesting conversation with her the whole trip.

Emma: And she leaches onto me like a bloody, um, leach. Every time I turn around, there she is.

Jude: Her boyfriend must be some kind of a nutter. What's he doing waiting all this long for God Squad? It's not exactly first prize is it!

All laugh.

But, as I say, that's just how it might have gone, if such a tape existed.

Even her so called friends hate her 14:25

{claire and so called 'friend'}

---Celebrity status alert! Genius irony alert! BTR has been featured in an episode of WKS - Look mum I'm on the telly!!!!---

It was my gentle observations of Claire that made the cut - the last episode when she runs off blubbing. Oh Claire, Claire, Claire. The little kingFISHER. So sensitive to the critisism. So fragile.

Well tough titty sweet-pea. BTR accepts zero responsibility for telling it exactly like it is when it comes to the plastic people who actually take part in these shows. No siree.

The show is now becoming increasingly hysterical to watch - Emma is doing everything in her power to ditch Claire! But she just won't take the hint.

As far as I can tell, the only winner of Claire being on the show is her boyfriend. At least he gets some peace and quiet from her sexless whinings for a few weeks.

But seriously, is Claire-bear exuding some rank smell or something? Because her bus-buddies are anything but her buddies. In the epsiode we see Kian stumble across my humble blog, Claire gets a glimpse and storms off in proper tears. Didn't see Emma, Jude or Kian exactly falling over themselves to go and comfort her. Instead they had a bit of a giggle:

Emma: (Laughing - comparing C to Silke Kauffman) "It looks like her doesn't it?!"
Miaow.

Killer Entertainment 10:57

It's no longer a case of when, but how serious. Doesn't it seem a long time ago that these sorts of shows were all about entertainment? When relatively well-balanced, albeit fame-hungry, people took part in them for a new experience.

This year alone we have seen Susan Boyle totally lose it; an 11-year-old Aiden Davis reduced to tears in front of 2 million viewers; no less than THREE Big Brother contestants walking out with totally shredded nerves...

And now this. Remember happy-go-lucky (yet utterly irritating) Sree? He's only gone and tried to off himself.

Let it be known here that BTR has long predicted that this is the year when the lid finally blows and we all find ourselves glued to our sets as a contestant turns the knife on someone else - live death...for our entertainment. Now that's what you call a watercooler moment.