Reality TV: Pitch 1 17:07

Commissioner: I want something edgy... something with kids and parents - you know, the kids with knives, parents on the edge. Think Brat Camp meets War on Terror...

Producer: Ok. So therapy... extreme therapy?

Commissioner: Yeah, extreme therapy - sod Supernanny, what's really gonna push things along...

Producer: Well you know they're closing down Guantanamo?

Commissioner: Of course! Can you get access?

Producer: Well we almost got Gringo Express away with them last year... Geneva shit killed it.

Ok... so how about we send these off the rails kids and their waster parents to Guantanamo...

Commissioner: I like it. Where's the jeopardy...

Producer: So the kid smokes - we waterboard him until he quits. Another kid has a weight problem - well there's a purpose built exercise yard, let the porker sweat. Attitude issues, hell, let's get em naked and pile them on top of each other - if it worked for the military, it'll work for TV.

Leave them all there 6 weeks - then we finish show with a kangaroo court made up of mums and dads - winners get to go home, losers... well that's 2nd series.

Commissioner: Ah shit - I've just found out BBC Three commissioned this stinking heap of...

Money well spent? 17:29

Just when you think the barrel has been scraped dry, BBC Three bring you this pile of stinking dross. I just hope they all caught swine flu.

Preposterously over-confident Apprentice moment #11234 00:26

Sexy Lorraine, selling the flabbergastingly stupid ‘cat box’ (“I throw away cardboard boxes every day”, small pet-shop owner – “but this one’s a spitfire”, juicy Lorraine) to a single, independent hardware store on the edge of Liverpool: When asked how many units she’d hope they might take she, and without a trace of irony, retorted –

“5000”.

A quick calculation by the owner – “So you think we’d shift 400 of these a week…through this single store?” – “Yes”, a sincere, tell me your problems, gorgeous Lorraine, “yes, I believe you could easily shift 400 a week”.

Cue jaw hitting table, hand banging head involuntarily…

Pants man goes 00:18

Thank the Gods of reality for that one. So, Phillip, aka ‘the missing link’ gets the boot. It couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke. Having spent 7 weeks bullying, snideing, moaning and generally wasting his obsessively won 15 minutes, it all came down to one thing: Suralan: “Phillip, your attitude won’t sit in my organisation”. Phillip, gracious to the end, huffed out of the boardroom muttering ‘joke’. No shit Phil, you are – and now everyone that you meet back at the pokey estate agents, somewhere far away in the North East, will think so too – which means you’ll have to throw in more extras, more ‘gold look’ door handles, more white appliances, to bag a sale. Ha bloody ha.

Who is this guy? 00:16

WTF? Scholarship to Sandhurst? Give me a break. Did you go mate? No? Oh right, chose to humilate yourself on national TV instead. Not sure the army missed out, badger faced tit.