IT ENDS TONIGHT>>>>>>> 20:48

It started as a social experiment – real people, living real lives with real cameras following their every move.

But the ‘experiment’ taught us little that we didn’t already know...

That people will do pretty much anything to have masses of other people know their name - that people would go to ever more humiliating and amoral lengths to win their fifteen minutes - and that ‘reality’ on television bears little reflection to the reality of our daily lives.

And out of this other reality came a whole new industry.

One that churned out ‘celebrities’ by the dozen, shifted magazines and launched a thousand lurid headlines. One that encouraged us to scrutinize, criticize and chastise strangers in the spotlight.

2000 years ago they put preening warriors in arenas with Lions and whooped and hollered as they were torn apart.

These days we put preening prima-donnas onto television screens and whoop and holler as they are torn apart.

But this industry is a hungry beast. And we are an insatiable audience.

Soon an argument wasn’t enough. Soon sex and sham relationships were not enough. Not even the mentally ill were spared the glare of the media circus.

The crowds kept braying… the channels kept chasing the ratings... the producers kept amping the drama - a sick puppy chasing it's tail, spinning ever faster, out of control, desperate for the next quick reality fix.

Countless ‘creatives’ are paid to scheme up ever more shocking scenarios and countless nobodies are queuing up to endure them, sold the lie that fame or even infamy can change your life.

------------

So where will it end?

Come on! It ends with blood. It ends with sacrifice. It ends tonight.
Tonight Kian Oduya died – but not before lifting the curtain on the puppetry that pushed it all to this point.

Five were cracked…only one was killed …the first, and I hope, last to die before your eyes.

The ultimate sacrifice to drag this horrible entertainment to it’s inevitable finale…

Tonight Kian Oduya died for all of your sins – the great martyr of Reality TV.

The one who surrendered himself to liberate you – Yes indeed, it ends tonight.

You’ve finally seen it – you’ve got what you’ve been waiting all this time for.

Summer’s dead.

Now Get Back To Reality.

WARNING: Reality TV Is Seriously Bad For Your Health 17:55

I like to think of what I am doing here as a kind of public service. A kind of cautionary tale for all you would-be reality show contestants. Don't do it kids...it seriously screws you up.

But, like lambs to the slaughter, they never learn. Let's look at the genre's most recent offering, Who Killed Summer...

They say: "I'm strong. What you see is what you get with me. I have nothing to hide"

I say: "Crap!"

Jude - Stomped around blowing a permanent wolf-whistle to anything in a skirt. Bored everyone to tears with tales of his sexual prowess with the ladies. Ranted endlessly about his unique sexual charisma that, apparently, the girls could no more resist than Pete Doherty can the crack pipe....

But, you have been hiding something, haven't you Jude? Seems the ladies don't stand a chance...

Emma - I'm strong, I don't care what people think of me, I can take whatever the press will throw at me when I'm more famous than God, for being famous.

But, that's not true is it Emma? You do have something to hide. You are terrified if the truth about your past comes out that it'll shatter any image you have spent so long carefully building

Kian - I'm a good person. I'm bright and honest and true. I am not easily led and I have nothing to hide. I will show them all that the spotlight of reality TV doesn't always expose dirt and shame. What have I got to be ashamed of??? Wrong!

And then they say: "I'm strong. I play it as I want to. I can't be played with and manipulated by some dumb show - I'm made of stronger stuff...I have standards, morals, I wouldn't do something I didn't really want to because of being on the show"

I say: "Crap!"

Tete - So clean and sober, so proud. So strong in your new skin. You simply took part in this to show both yourself and the world that you were no longer the hopeless junky rock-star kid cliche, didn't you? You didn't need drugs in your life? And nothing or no one would change that, would it?Wrong!

Claire - So chaste. So pure. Such a fine moral compass. I'm a virgin and proud of it. Sex is about love and commitment in the eyes of God, isn't it? I wear my 'promise ring' to show the world that I am proud of these values.

And no dumb reality show would possible manipulate me into changing this. No 'silly little blog', no harshly worded critique from a stranger could possibly embarrass me to go against all that I hold dear and stand for, could it? Hmm.

And then there's Dieter... a hero to all. A true hero, right? RIGHT? Well, we'll see about that - watch this space...

Puppets - the lot of them. As they all are. As anyone stupid enough to want to expose themselves day and night to complete strangers is. And they all deserve exactly what they get.

I Need A Hero! 11:38

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night!

He’s gotta be strong!

And he’s gotta be fast!

And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight!

I need a hero!

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light!

He’s gotta be sure!

And it’s gotta be soon!

And he’s gotta be larger than life!

Love that song...

So Dieter, will you be my hero?

The man really is incredible.

He's aced practically every task thrown at him on WKS.

He's totally bagged 'the girl', sweeping hot-tot Emma off her feet and into his bed. And, like the Oracle, he dispenses sage advice to his fellow contestants, all of which look to him like the wise Gladiator he is.

I've got to hand it to him. As reality plebs go, Dieter breaks the mold.

He's not in this for 'the fame'; he's not hiding a closet-full of secrets that he, stupidly, thinks won't be outed...paraded in front of gossip hungry audiences; and he's certainly not like his fellow puppets, sorry contestants, that are as easy to manipulate as silly putty.

Nope, he's the real deal - a true 'what you see is what you get', 100% prime-beef, all man...HERO

...Isn't he????

Ladies man or little lady??? 19:31

Who would have thought that self-styled 'clunge-magnet', Jude Jasper, was actually more 'Judy Garland' than 'Hey Jude'???

Well, they say that those that protest too much have the most to hide, don't they? And throughout this series Jude has protested quite a bit...

So ladies, sorry to shatter your fantasies of a night spent rolling around on expensive hotel sheets with this pocket-sized pop prince, but the truth is out - Jude is Gay. He prefers the scent of a man. He likes to keep with his own...as these pictures irrefutably show:

Suddenly it all makes sense: his near melt-down at 'touching' Liam Gallagher; his heart-felt odes to the 'genius' of Kele Okereke of Bloc Party; his pedantic obsession with his clothes; and the sure giveaway - the constant 'chase me, chase me' mincing around fellow WKS contestant Dieter 'the body' Dahl (the love that dare not breathe it's name????)

But Jude - c'mon, this is 2009. You want to be in the entertainment business. Who gives a shit? No one, little man, but you. After all, it hasn't done Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Michael Stipe, Elton John, Lou Reed, Morrissey, to name but a few, any harm harm...

You'll see in time. David Hampton is just looking out for you. You'll thank me in the long run...

As always, glad to be of help. x

Looks like someone didn't just kill summer... 10:01

Kian Oduya should be in prison. Back To Reality has come into exclusive possession of some disturbingly incriminating evidence that shows what appears to be a straight-up confession by Kian over a hit and run incident two years ago.


According to Kian, he was driving back from a party in the early hours of the morning, hit a pedestrian and...drove off.

"I've lived with this for the last two years", moans killer-Kian, without a trace of regret.




This 'confession' happened a few weeks back on the WKS bus and was, unknown to Kian, caught by the bus cameras (hello you fool - this is a reality show...the cameras are rolling!) It was never broadcast and the producers believed the tape has been erased. But, dear readers, as you will have gathered by now, David Hampton is better than any hack when it comes to digging out the truth.


When Dieter, understandably, urged cold-blooded Kian to go to the police, the coward replied:
"Hit and run? they'll lock me away - five years minimum..."


Well sir, you better get used to it - BTR takes a pretty dim view of this sort of thing.

Though i'm sure now I've done the right thing the relevant authorities will be in touch...

Only happy to help.


It's nice to be nice you know - your caring friend David.

Ha. Nice idea... poor execution. 22:10

"Nine young women have been duped into appearing in internet pornography after starring in a fake Big Brother-style show."
SKY NEWS REPORT HERE>>>>>>

What a great story - so topical, so prescient, so timely... incredibly it makes Who Killed Summers? band of fame seeking cretins look intelligent.

It seems I'm not the only one keen to push the Reality show genre forward - pity I'm the only one with real intelligence pulling the strings. This bunch of Turkish scamsters don't have a clue.

No tasks, No evictions... no well nothing. Of course they got suspicious.

You're not dealing with Steven f***ing Hawking here - 9 bimbos desperate for 15 mins of fame - surely you could keep those peep cams running for a little longer, stretch it out a little, get some really juicy footage. Just give em some costumes - make them eat a few creepy crawlies... hell turn the hot water off.

The only thing these people understand is the carrot and the stick - actually no it's the stick.

That's right - they don't want to lounge around a pool all day chatting about Posh and Becks. No they want to be reality show contestants... they want to be mistreated - they EXPECT it. That's what they want.

Force feed them live bugs, lock them up, humilate them, force them to list each others faults, introduce ex-boyfriends, enemies. Suddenly they feel like real stars.

Oh the irony.

So nice idea guys, but leave it to the professionals...

and leave it to the stick.

Isn't it nice meeting old friends... 13:19

You've got to love Facebook eh Emma?

Without it you'd probably lose touch with all your old friends from back in the day.

Dear old chums like Lauren here might never have been able to track you down and pay you a surprise visit would they?

And I'm sure you would have been gutted to have missed such a happy reunion like this one.

Of course, not everyone likes to hold onto their past.

Some people actually have pasts that they would choose to forget.

Some people have buried their pasts and reinvented themselves, and actually the very last thing they want is for skeletons to come out of that closet.

Painful memories...events that, in their mind,might really screw things up for them if they got out.

But, that's not you is it Emma. I'm sure you'd like to pat the person on the back that so diligently tracked down your old pal Lauren and told her where you were and what you were doing nowadays.

Think nothing of it. Happy to help x

Let me spell this out... 13:40

Because maybe, just maybe things aren't clear enough.

Hi I'm Claire. I'm a virgin. I'm going to ram this fact down your throats for eight weeks. But i'm weak. I'm desperate. And I'm only wearing this ring because without it I am nothing... charmless, bland, boring. No one.

11 down... 08:48

Fascinating article on thewrap.com. Some boffin has done the research and concluded that since reality TV began all those years ago (roughly agreeded to be when BB started) that no less than 11 fragile contestants have tried to top themselves once the music stops.

Once again bolstering my point: these puppets shouldn't take part in this shit. Reality TV is seriously dangerous for your health weak people.

Wonder how long now until we can tally a list of those MURDERED on reality TV?

BTR gets starring role 22:28

Back to this summer's most bizarre reality effort, Who Killed Summer. Contestants here are using this blog as it's sick note, it's excuse to teacher. Not one episode goes past when this lot don't obssess about what's posted here? What can we say - glad to be of service.

In today's episode, loathsome wannabe reality hero Kian rallies his raggle taggle troupe into mutiny - telling the producers to basically piss off and that the six of them will be doing one for a few days! I have to admit - reality TV GOLD! The contestants demand a weekend break??!! And get one! Genius.

He pretends to be reading from everyone's favourite blog, yours truly, blagging that we've been leaked information and written about the conflict, with mystic meg-like accuracy.

There's no denying it - our little posts about their banal, vacant goings on have certainly put the wind up them - it's like watching a bunch of students descend into a bad trip - paranoia flying around like a cloud of bats. They are convinced that one of the production crew are feeding me a steady stream of pics and secret footage, all less than flattering, juicy stuff. Which, of course, I can neither confirm or deny.

This is quite a nice new feeling - directly influencing these gormless puppets myself - BTR produces WKS...this I like..

Mum, Am I Ugly? 14:50

After all these years of scrutinising and shafting reality TV, it still utterly amazes me how thick skinned most of these idiots are. Right here is a classic example. Marcus, aka the night strangler, aka wolfman, aka creepy pillock - was almost reduced to tears yesterday after seeing one of the official BB pics of himself.

He's got it into his bonce that the picture is unflattering, and that seeing it 'almost made me cry'. Unflattering??!! When was the last time this preposterously unattractive knob actually looked in the mirror? When watching him on screen I can almost hear the collective tsunami of vomiting from women (and men-fancying men) up and down the country. Watercooler BB conversations (all 3 of them for this series) inevitably focus on the sheer jaw-dropping ugliness of Marcus - inside and out.

Indeed, his physical appearance (akin to a 10 year old trying to dress up as an X-man with only his mum's wig and stick on brillo-pads to hand) is bad enough. But coupled with his truly revolting manner around the opposite sex, combines to him easily qualifying for a Chanel FIVE shockumentary about ugly folk as medical phenomena.

He simply cannot have enjoyed much female companionship over the years - the ponytail, the sideburns, the dodgy eye, the 'rapey' demeanour - would have put pay to that. So how the hell does he manage to build an ego that can be reduced to tears by, what he thinks is, an unflattering picture?

Watch his face (try and endure it) as he's evicted. As the doors open he seriously expects an army of adoring fans to be whooping with adoration. I cannot wait to see how the woverine boat of his tries to mask the utter shock at the scale of loathing pointing towards him.

P.S. A rarely seen picture of Dogface, having accidentally looked at Marcus first thing in the morning.

Slut 19:42

Well, well I bet her Mum is very proud. What a lady. She's a dark horse that Tete.

From day 1 she's played the whole 'I'm leaving my bad ways behind - this is a chance for me to enjoy myself without the decadence and bad antics that I previously indulged in.'

Really Tete? Well it took you precicesly about 12.4 minutes to drop your knickers for this specimin And what a catch! Where did Kian find this 'toilet roll salesman'? In a toilet?

Billy looks like he hasn't had a bath since his mummy used to do it for him. He practically exudes smell-o-vision. Those rags, sorry clothes, of his have never known washing powder.
I mean, I know that some women like a bit of rough, but c'mon Tete! This is beyond a bit of rough - this is a bit of salmonella.

So, lady that she is, Tete wasted no time in exploring the back of septic's mouth - as these exclusive pictures show. Approximately 3 mins after these were taken, they retired to Tete's tent bunk where, I am reliably informed, they indulged in very noisy, very gratuitous sex.
















Here's a chick who likes to play the sophisticated card showing her true colours - nothing but an easy catch.

Is this the most boring Reality Show contestant ever? 19:02

It’s been standard knockoff fare from the start – sub Big Brother shit featuring a merry band of whining prima-donnas desperate for their moment in the sun.

However up until now at least reality producers have bothered to make an effort when they cast their future z listers. This time around, it looks like they knocked off at 3 to go to the pub, leaving some idiot researcher to OK contestant number 6.

“Ladies and gentlemen….Claire!”

Jesus – the most empty, charisma free waste of space ever to grace a so called ‘entertainment show’.

At least the other two girls on the WKS coach are camera friendly – the hot blonde, and the hot brunette. You can see what the producers were thinking – them two are category A gossip mag fodder – but Claire… Claire??

What does she offer?

“I love pop music! “ “Jonathon is the one!” “Look at my promise band!”

SHUT UP! Not only is she blessed with a dress that’d make your gran cringe she’s like an entertainment black hole – her goody goody mummy’s girl act sucking any fun, enthusiasm or joy into an infinite point of dull.

You can just see the guys on the bus glazing over every time she comes into view, in fact I think I speak for the entire male population when I congratulate Jonathon (who sounds like a giant tool anyway) for slipping that ring on her finger.

Promise Ring? The only promise Jonathon wants from Claire is to keep her bag lady clothes on. Having said that, should Claire really push the boat out and actually have more than two drinks, the sight of her naked should be contraception enough…

Unbelievable 09:50

Now you can actually learn how to be a Total Loser...

If you leave 8 monkeys 20:56

In an edit suite long enough, they will eventually cut together the absolute truth about anyone twat enough to


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'audition' for the Apprentice

It's Not My Fault Officer 17:49

It's all soooo grubby isn't it?

"I shouldn't drive babe"

"Go home Dane, before the paps turn up...They snap you here and Pete really will go apeshit"

"Is that it? I'm all worked up now"

"Thanks for the wine. Was it really 3 for a tenner?"

"I'll give you 3 for a tenner!"

"Go!

I'll call you...Cheeky!"

Reality TV: Pitch 1 17:07

Commissioner: I want something edgy... something with kids and parents - you know, the kids with knives, parents on the edge. Think Brat Camp meets War on Terror...

Producer: Ok. So therapy... extreme therapy?

Commissioner: Yeah, extreme therapy - sod Supernanny, what's really gonna push things along...

Producer: Well you know they're closing down Guantanamo?

Commissioner: Of course! Can you get access?

Producer: Well we almost got Gringo Express away with them last year... Geneva shit killed it.

Ok... so how about we send these off the rails kids and their waster parents to Guantanamo...

Commissioner: I like it. Where's the jeopardy...

Producer: So the kid smokes - we waterboard him until he quits. Another kid has a weight problem - well there's a purpose built exercise yard, let the porker sweat. Attitude issues, hell, let's get em naked and pile them on top of each other - if it worked for the military, it'll work for TV.

Leave them all there 6 weeks - then we finish show with a kangaroo court made up of mums and dads - winners get to go home, losers... well that's 2nd series.

Commissioner: Ah shit - I've just found out BBC Three commissioned this stinking heap of...

Darwin was wrong 15:28

Ok, so news that Paris Hilton is looking for godparents which is no biggie - she's accepted enough sperm donors to make her a bonafide charitable organisation, so its odds on that she'll be spitting out some hideous offspring before long, so why not get in early.

According to wikipedia:

"The modern view of a godparent tends to be an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child's upbringing and personal development."

Hmm. So first off this kid is going to grow up with mummy Paris, (no dad - he'll be shagging an Olsen by then) and sharing cot space with a mangy handbag sized dog called Pootsie, whilst developing early onset epilepsy from endless flash photography.

As if that's not enough to cripple the poor bag of bones, it's going to get sex-ed from the Hilton family home videos and then 'personal development' from posh and becks.

Survival of the fittest? Looks like we just proved Darwin wrong...

The Hills - a recipe 12:20

Ingredients:
9 x very blonde, very shallow spoilt princesses
9 x overly pumped, gym-junkie misogynist males (preferably closeted homosexuals)
A handfull of fresh blackberrys
Staggeringly OTT 'how the hell can they afford that'-type houses in the Hollywood hills - to taste
Ditto luxury motors with obligatory blacked-out windows - to taste
A bunch of stupid hair
500g of magazine offices desperate for exposure (for a crunchy topping of exploitative 'internships')
4 tonnes of brand-placement accessories
A scattering of low intelligence
3/4oz world-view that the only thing that exists in the world is 'Jordan breaking up with Lauren / Spencer being mean to Heidi / Whitney stealing Lauren's man is, like, totally mean'

Instructions:
Chuck all ingredients together and leave. Intervene only to shit-stir about relationships. Do not allow conversations or footage of anything else to encroach. If it does, quickly skim off the surface and discard.
Stir slowly and leave to simmer.
When at least half of the cast have entered rehab / been arrested for drink-driving / developed serious eating disorders / run home to mummy and daddy it is ready.

Our work here is done 11:10

Thanks to this knob: full of hot air and pointless - the (just now elected) patron-saint of reality TV:

Mr Methane - Britain's Got Talent