Dogface doesn't know 22:40

WHY is the current series of Big Brother getting lower viewing figures than crap like 'The Baby Who Swallowed a Baby Elephant' on Living? It' not even getting 2million a night now - that's like less than The Sky at Night (probably)

Has the nation finally fallen out of love with reality TV? Or is reality TV, as we know and hate it, finally running out of steam?

I was fascinated, but not at all surprised, to learned that 80% of this year's housemates have 'below average IQs'. I mean, seriously, if you did actually put 10 monkeys in a room alongside 10 of this year's contestants - both with typewriters, the monkeys would definitely churn out War & Peace quicker.

But the stupidest by far. Quite possibly the thickest plank ever to grace our screens - the woman who genuinely makes Jade Goody's retardo-rants look like the brainy musings of an Oxford academic, has to be Dogface. Last night I counted the amount of times she said 'I dunno'. It was a learning-difficulty-tastic 53!! She uses the words as punctuation, as adjectives, as nouns and verbs and other grammar stuff - sometimes just randomly on their own, like a fluffy yellow bird tweeting the same stupid little tweet.

One sentence actually consisted of: "It's like, I dunno, I think he, I dunno, I haven't said anything to him but, I dunno, he's, I dunno. I dunno what to say because, I dunno, he just seems really, I dunno. It's like he's, I dunno, kind of, I dunno". THAT was the sentence! Literally.

Now, dear readers, as you well know, no one loathes reality TV - those that make it (badly) and those that 'star' in it - more than me. But COME ON. Surely there is just enough life left in the old dog to churn out something beyond having to watch a gang of vapid, vain, backward assholes walking around telling each other 'I dunno' all day?

Someone please - help me care about hating this goddamn stuff again.

Freddie WHY? 23:29

I'm not down with this whole public support of Halfwit any more. At first I liked him, he seemed harmless enough. But now he's shown himself to be one of those people that thinks they know how to play the game. He thinks he rules that house. And all the while the public don't vote him out of every election - the more he believes his own hype.

This halfwit knows nothing about how this game really works. Thinks he's in control? Don't make me laugh. He'd be first against the wall.

Bye Bye Baby 09:57

73.16 per cent of the vote!

It must have been his convincing accent that won the fans over...

Or his way with the ladies...

Unbelievable 09:50

Now you can actually learn how to be a Total Loser...

I Can't Look 09:27

You may have noticed a complete absence of comments about the moment's big reality event, Big Brother. See it as a protest. I have found this year to be so utterly banal; barrel-scrapingly infantile; preposterously humiliating and downright shit that I can't bring myself to waste any precious words.

The concensus is that this series, likely to be C4's last version, is the 'put it all on red' edition for the producers. They've gone back through all the boxes left over from previous editions, the boxes marked 'ideas for challenges/wind-ups/housemate head-jams that not even a malicious 7-year old child would use' and...used them all.

Draw glasses and a tashe on your face in permenant marker every day

Re-name yourself by deedpoll Halfwit and Dogface

Only dump on that glass box in the garden in full view of the world

And, of course, like doped-up children, mindlessly following Peter Pan....they all do it. No questions asked.

Words cannot express the loathing and contempt I feel for these vacant human husks, these pathetic empty pages so lacking in self-esteem that they would, no doubt about it, eat their own genitals if it secured them an extra £5 shopping budget.

Britain's Got... The Walmsleys 15:35

Jack Walmsley, 45 - "Our friends think we're crackpots".

When even your friends think you're totally mental, does that not give you a clue to how deranged you are?

Yes this is the sad story of the Walmsley family, who have decided that what the world definitely needs is a 24/7 live stream of their mundane and pointless lives.

The fact that they look like the bastard spawn of Sloth from the Goonies makes this an even more hideous proposition.

There's not even a clever idea behind it - if you're going to attempt some sub-big brother rip off at least make an effort.

Next time Walmsley's stick to radio. Or preferably contraception.

'Big Brother gives ordinary people a chance' 15:21

Big Brother 2008:

Rex: "How many days are there in two years?"

Rachel: "There's 56 in a year"

Mohamed "That's a leap year"

Big Brother 2009:

Compulsory IQ test - note 100 is AVERAGE.

• Karly 79
• Rodrigo 89
• Noirin 80
• Sree 74
• Cairon 92
• Siavash 99
• Charlie 97
• Kris 92
• Angel 94
• Lisa 55
• Saffia 69
• Sophie 60
• Marcus 122
• Sophia 128
• Freddie 125

Morons every last one, being manipulated for the entertainment of the masses.

(*Idea BB producers - maybe next time check the IQs and then cast people with real intelligence instead of these dregs... who knows, you might get a better show)

oh, and we almost got away with it. 21:33

It's incredible - BB10 has done it, finally we've reached a point where the producers and the cast have almost given up any pretence that this show is anything but a chance for all involved to make a quick buck.

The producers admitted as much even before they began when they talked about cracking down on 'fake romances' - and yet what do we have just a 10 days in, but the two pretty morons (read dogface + visual merchandiser, wtf? - you mean you work in a shop?) are rumbled.

Not only that, but the pair are so vacant they couldn't even manage to string it along for a few days. Clearly they were both so wrapped up in their clever scheme that they forgot that Big Brother might be filming them.

Like all the time... you know... for the show? yeah? all those cameras? remember? oh, oops, of course! dammit big brother, you're so clever.

No one goes on reality TV as themselves anymore - everyone tries to play a game, thinks they know better, and time and time again they're shown up.

Against all the odds they've made Halfwit look like Steven hawking.

Revealed: Dr Evil is BB10's series producer 08:55

Just three days in and BB10 has already revealed its makers to be evil beyond reproach. It seems a very long time ago when Big Brother was at least an attempt at a social experiment: All krypton factor experiments and chicken maintenance. Year on year the humiliation, mind gmaes and plain nastiness has ramped up, and now we have this: We'll tell you you've won a place in the house; you'll be excited beyond belief; endure running the gauntlet as you enter, nerves shred - Then, get this, we'll torture you all by telling you you have to 'win' the right to stay. Hilarious right? And so we find five members, dressed like Guantanimo detainees, lined up in front of the nation in some kind of vicious popularity contest. Poor old Benazir. When did nasty playground bullying become a byword for entertainment?

The 'might as well vote for me coz all parties are the same anyway aren't they and anyway who gives a shit about the ordinary voter' party 10:39

Freddie BB10. Mr "I'm in this for a laugh" - Mr, "Let's all just enjoy this experience right now gang...no agendas" - Mr "some people come onto this show for the fame or exposure but not me, I'm just a good time guy who wants everyone to love each other and get along"

No wonder our entire political system is in total meltdown when pillocks like this are the kind of numbskulls that actually end up getting the jobs and, in turn, ruling our lives. "Better the Devil you know" eh Freddie? Actually NO. Better you get evicted immediately and never, ever win an election anywhere near me.

Heaven must be missing an Angel 09:23

Or is that Hospital is missing a patient? WTF does she think she's doing with this entrance? It's beyond beyond. Like watching a mash up of Marcel Marceau, Jonny Depp as Willy Wonka, a splash of Helena Bonham-Carter at her most OTT, a pinch of pantomime villan, Cruella Deville and..."

...A TOTAL IDIOT.

Bad Brother 09:10

I can't believe it's already that time of year again. Where does the time go eh? And this one really looks set to top the lot. Last night's cast of tits are easily the most fame-hungry, self-regarding, empty, retarded bunch of puppets ever to grace our screens.

I can feel the lava rising.

Just an hour in and already this bitch, who spent her whole intro-interview extolling her own beauty, literally "I'd give myself a 10", only to agree to have her eyebrows shaved off and a pair of comedy glasses and moustache drawn onto her mug in permanent marker pen 'indefinitely', in order to secure a place in the house...Jesus help me

(note to producers: The whole 'win tasks for a place in the house' is a shite idea that conveys to your audience that you are desperate and scraping the barrel from the off. Try harder you muppets)

It's not my fault 09:05

Observing the long queue of high flying TV-types, that's formed over this last week, all lining up to proclaim their innocence over Susan Boyle's meltdown is akin to the Nazi war-crime tribunals, no? 'It's not our fault'...'they made me do it'...'we had no reason to psych test her'...'we just thought she was eccentric' = "BGT is an elaborate smokescreen for the continuation of eugenics and the obliteration of all that are weak or unstable in our society"

line em up!

Weeping kids and baiting the mentally ill 12:28

Yup, just about sums up BGT this season. As we see series fave Susan Boyle being 'rushed' to the priory after her shock defeat last weekend shouldn't we be asking ourselves - is this crap right?

Producers knew Boyle was mentally fragile. Cowell knew this, but the lure of £8m record was obviously too much. Provoking kids to tears, heaping way too much pressure on a clearly unstable mind...where's this all going to? 'Execution Factor' - live deaths, as decided by you the view and the panel of judges....

I'm not even joking.