Ha. Nice idea... poor execution. 22:10

"Nine young women have been duped into appearing in internet pornography after starring in a fake Big Brother-style show."
SKY NEWS REPORT HERE>>>>>>

What a great story - so topical, so prescient, so timely... incredibly it makes Who Killed Summers? band of fame seeking cretins look intelligent.

It seems I'm not the only one keen to push the Reality show genre forward - pity I'm the only one with real intelligence pulling the strings. This bunch of Turkish scamsters don't have a clue.

No tasks, No evictions... no well nothing. Of course they got suspicious.

You're not dealing with Steven f***ing Hawking here - 9 bimbos desperate for 15 mins of fame - surely you could keep those peep cams running for a little longer, stretch it out a little, get some really juicy footage. Just give em some costumes - make them eat a few creepy crawlies... hell turn the hot water off.

The only thing these people understand is the carrot and the stick - actually no it's the stick.

That's right - they don't want to lounge around a pool all day chatting about Posh and Becks. No they want to be reality show contestants... they want to be mistreated - they EXPECT it. That's what they want.

Force feed them live bugs, lock them up, humilate them, force them to list each others faults, introduce ex-boyfriends, enemies. Suddenly they feel like real stars.

Oh the irony.

So nice idea guys, but leave it to the professionals...

and leave it to the stick.

Mum, Am I Ugly? 14:50

After all these years of scrutinising and shafting reality TV, it still utterly amazes me how thick skinned most of these idiots are. Right here is a classic example. Marcus, aka the night strangler, aka wolfman, aka creepy pillock - was almost reduced to tears yesterday after seeing one of the official BB pics of himself.

He's got it into his bonce that the picture is unflattering, and that seeing it 'almost made me cry'. Unflattering??!! When was the last time this preposterously unattractive knob actually looked in the mirror? When watching him on screen I can almost hear the collective tsunami of vomiting from women (and men-fancying men) up and down the country. Watercooler BB conversations (all 3 of them for this series) inevitably focus on the sheer jaw-dropping ugliness of Marcus - inside and out.

Indeed, his physical appearance (akin to a 10 year old trying to dress up as an X-man with only his mum's wig and stick on brillo-pads to hand) is bad enough. But coupled with his truly revolting manner around the opposite sex, combines to him easily qualifying for a Chanel FIVE shockumentary about ugly folk as medical phenomena.

He simply cannot have enjoyed much female companionship over the years - the ponytail, the sideburns, the dodgy eye, the 'rapey' demeanour - would have put pay to that. So how the hell does he manage to build an ego that can be reduced to tears by, what he thinks is, an unflattering picture?

Watch his face (try and endure it) as he's evicted. As the doors open he seriously expects an army of adoring fans to be whooping with adoration. I cannot wait to see how the woverine boat of his tries to mask the utter shock at the scale of loathing pointing towards him.

P.S. A rarely seen picture of Dogface, having accidentally looked at Marcus first thing in the morning.

Bad Brother 09:10

I can't believe it's already that time of year again. Where does the time go eh? And this one really looks set to top the lot. Last night's cast of tits are easily the most fame-hungry, self-regarding, empty, retarded bunch of puppets ever to grace our screens.

I can feel the lava rising.

Just an hour in and already this bitch, who spent her whole intro-interview extolling her own beauty, literally "I'd give myself a 10", only to agree to have her eyebrows shaved off and a pair of comedy glasses and moustache drawn onto her mug in permanent marker pen 'indefinitely', in order to secure a place in the house...Jesus help me

(note to producers: The whole 'win tasks for a place in the house' is a shite idea that conveys to your audience that you are desperate and scraping the barrel from the off. Try harder you muppets)

Unleash the hounds 10:57

This is brilliant. Twitter have been scratching their heads over how to actually earn a penny from their wildly successful (and mindlessly tedious) invention. Finally they have come up with the solution - Celebrity hunting.

Cue legions of celebs craping it and suddenly 'don't want to play anymore'. Obviously they are happy to share every detail of their achingly naff lives with legions of adoring twits, but remove that fourth wall and they all run for the hills...

"I don't want to be stalked" says king twit Ashton Kutcher ("I do, please, stalk me, stalk me", says Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace). No, but you don't mind stalking cyberspace with your endlessly trivial musings do you Ashton? You don't consider how the rest of us have to endure your witterings as a kind of infinite Chinese water torture, do you eh? Now shut up and be stalked...

Twitter describes their new 'top secret' project as being about "putting ordinary people on the trail of celebrities" - great. But then again, what sort of empty, vacuous, zero-self esteem idiot actually wants to be put on the trail of Demi Moore, Britney spears or Stephen bloody Fry?

I say throw a few high-grade weapons into the mix and let them all stalk each other...last man standing style.

Yeah Momma, I'd sure watch that.