WARNING: Reality TV Is Seriously Bad For Your Health 17:55

I like to think of what I am doing here as a kind of public service. A kind of cautionary tale for all you would-be reality show contestants. Don't do it kids...it seriously screws you up.

But, like lambs to the slaughter, they never learn. Let's look at the genre's most recent offering, Who Killed Summer...

They say: "I'm strong. What you see is what you get with me. I have nothing to hide"

I say: "Crap!"

Jude - Stomped around blowing a permanent wolf-whistle to anything in a skirt. Bored everyone to tears with tales of his sexual prowess with the ladies. Ranted endlessly about his unique sexual charisma that, apparently, the girls could no more resist than Pete Doherty can the crack pipe....

But, you have been hiding something, haven't you Jude? Seems the ladies don't stand a chance...

Emma - I'm strong, I don't care what people think of me, I can take whatever the press will throw at me when I'm more famous than God, for being famous.

But, that's not true is it Emma? You do have something to hide. You are terrified if the truth about your past comes out that it'll shatter any image you have spent so long carefully building

Kian - I'm a good person. I'm bright and honest and true. I am not easily led and I have nothing to hide. I will show them all that the spotlight of reality TV doesn't always expose dirt and shame. What have I got to be ashamed of??? Wrong!

And then they say: "I'm strong. I play it as I want to. I can't be played with and manipulated by some dumb show - I'm made of stronger stuff...I have standards, morals, I wouldn't do something I didn't really want to because of being on the show"

I say: "Crap!"

Tete - So clean and sober, so proud. So strong in your new skin. You simply took part in this to show both yourself and the world that you were no longer the hopeless junky rock-star kid cliche, didn't you? You didn't need drugs in your life? And nothing or no one would change that, would it?Wrong!

Claire - So chaste. So pure. Such a fine moral compass. I'm a virgin and proud of it. Sex is about love and commitment in the eyes of God, isn't it? I wear my 'promise ring' to show the world that I am proud of these values.

And no dumb reality show would possible manipulate me into changing this. No 'silly little blog', no harshly worded critique from a stranger could possibly embarrass me to go against all that I hold dear and stand for, could it? Hmm.

And then there's Dieter... a hero to all. A true hero, right? RIGHT? Well, we'll see about that - watch this space...

Puppets - the lot of them. As they all are. As anyone stupid enough to want to expose themselves day and night to complete strangers is. And they all deserve exactly what they get.

I Need A Hero! 11:38

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night!

He’s gotta be strong!

And he’s gotta be fast!

And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight!

I need a hero!

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light!

He’s gotta be sure!

And it’s gotta be soon!

And he’s gotta be larger than life!

Love that song...

So Dieter, will you be my hero?

The man really is incredible.

He's aced practically every task thrown at him on WKS.

He's totally bagged 'the girl', sweeping hot-tot Emma off her feet and into his bed. And, like the Oracle, he dispenses sage advice to his fellow contestants, all of which look to him like the wise Gladiator he is.

I've got to hand it to him. As reality plebs go, Dieter breaks the mold.

He's not in this for 'the fame'; he's not hiding a closet-full of secrets that he, stupidly, thinks won't be outed...paraded in front of gossip hungry audiences; and he's certainly not like his fellow puppets, sorry contestants, that are as easy to manipulate as silly putty.

Nope, he's the real deal - a true 'what you see is what you get', 100% prime-beef, all man...HERO

...Isn't he????

Looks like someone didn't just kill summer... 10:01

Kian Oduya should be in prison. Back To Reality has come into exclusive possession of some disturbingly incriminating evidence that shows what appears to be a straight-up confession by Kian over a hit and run incident two years ago.


According to Kian, he was driving back from a party in the early hours of the morning, hit a pedestrian and...drove off.

"I've lived with this for the last two years", moans killer-Kian, without a trace of regret.




This 'confession' happened a few weeks back on the WKS bus and was, unknown to Kian, caught by the bus cameras (hello you fool - this is a reality show...the cameras are rolling!) It was never broadcast and the producers believed the tape has been erased. But, dear readers, as you will have gathered by now, David Hampton is better than any hack when it comes to digging out the truth.


When Dieter, understandably, urged cold-blooded Kian to go to the police, the coward replied:
"Hit and run? they'll lock me away - five years minimum..."


Well sir, you better get used to it - BTR takes a pretty dim view of this sort of thing.

Though i'm sure now I've done the right thing the relevant authorities will be in touch...

Only happy to help.


It's nice to be nice you know - your caring friend David.

Ha. Nice idea... poor execution. 22:10

"Nine young women have been duped into appearing in internet pornography after starring in a fake Big Brother-style show."
SKY NEWS REPORT HERE>>>>>>

What a great story - so topical, so prescient, so timely... incredibly it makes Who Killed Summers? band of fame seeking cretins look intelligent.

It seems I'm not the only one keen to push the Reality show genre forward - pity I'm the only one with real intelligence pulling the strings. This bunch of Turkish scamsters don't have a clue.

No tasks, No evictions... no well nothing. Of course they got suspicious.

You're not dealing with Steven f***ing Hawking here - 9 bimbos desperate for 15 mins of fame - surely you could keep those peep cams running for a little longer, stretch it out a little, get some really juicy footage. Just give em some costumes - make them eat a few creepy crawlies... hell turn the hot water off.

The only thing these people understand is the carrot and the stick - actually no it's the stick.

That's right - they don't want to lounge around a pool all day chatting about Posh and Becks. No they want to be reality show contestants... they want to be mistreated - they EXPECT it. That's what they want.

Force feed them live bugs, lock them up, humilate them, force them to list each others faults, introduce ex-boyfriends, enemies. Suddenly they feel like real stars.

Oh the irony.

So nice idea guys, but leave it to the professionals...

and leave it to the stick.

Isn't it nice meeting old friends... 13:19

You've got to love Facebook eh Emma?

Without it you'd probably lose touch with all your old friends from back in the day.

Dear old chums like Lauren here might never have been able to track you down and pay you a surprise visit would they?

And I'm sure you would have been gutted to have missed such a happy reunion like this one.

Of course, not everyone likes to hold onto their past.

Some people actually have pasts that they would choose to forget.

Some people have buried their pasts and reinvented themselves, and actually the very last thing they want is for skeletons to come out of that closet.

Painful memories...events that, in their mind,might really screw things up for them if they got out.

But, that's not you is it Emma. I'm sure you'd like to pat the person on the back that so diligently tracked down your old pal Lauren and told her where you were and what you were doing nowadays.

Think nothing of it. Happy to help x