My hand hurts. I have once again involuntarily punched the screen. I am of course watching Big Brother.
'I don't have a game plan', says living cigarette lezza Lisa.
'I know everyone's game plan' whinges Freddie 'I'm so clever that I can read all of them - but you can't read mine because I am a Greek God and better than you', he almost added.
'We don't have game-plans' cheep the rest, like the gormless mass they are...
Well why not you stupid twats?
Let's just go over this once again shall we?
1: You audition for Big Brother - a reality show in which strangers live together, nominating each other for eviction that the public vote on weekly.
2: The prize for the last one standing after, what seems like, 18,975 episodes, is a cool £100,000
3: You win a place on the show
4: You try and get on with people and make the viewers like you
5: You nominate people for eviction and hope you aren't nominated
6: You try and stay on the show for as long as possible - £100K is a lot of dosh.
Despite this - you have no plan whatsoever. You think 'playing the game and going for the cash prize' is, what, undignified? Not cricket? Goes against the egalitarian, anti-capitalist spirit of the vision for a new world order that you have dedicated your life to bringing about, with this appearance on Big Brother being just one step of your highly intricate journey towards that goal?
For Chrissakes, you all have a game plan - put very simply, it is a plan to win. Unless, of course, you are severely mentally impaired (stand up 43% of all past contestants) and have no idea what a cash prize is.
I have a game-plan. It's quite short really. It involves lining all reality contestants up on a very long plank that hovers over very deep water from a very bouncy boat. And, here's the plan bit, I plan to jump up and down on the springy boat because, if my plan works, they will all fall in.
And there is no rescue boat around for 800 nautical miles.
And I don't plan to throw any of the life jackets.
I like my plan.
