IT ENDS TONIGHT>>>>>>> 20:48

It started as a social experiment – real people, living real lives with real cameras following their every move.

But the ‘experiment’ taught us little that we didn’t already know...

That people will do pretty much anything to have masses of other people know their name - that people would go to ever more humiliating and amoral lengths to win their fifteen minutes - and that ‘reality’ on television bears little reflection to the reality of our daily lives.

And out of this other reality came a whole new industry.

One that churned out ‘celebrities’ by the dozen, shifted magazines and launched a thousand lurid headlines. One that encouraged us to scrutinize, criticize and chastise strangers in the spotlight.

2000 years ago they put preening warriors in arenas with Lions and whooped and hollered as they were torn apart.

These days we put preening prima-donnas onto television screens and whoop and holler as they are torn apart.

But this industry is a hungry beast. And we are an insatiable audience.

Soon an argument wasn’t enough. Soon sex and sham relationships were not enough. Not even the mentally ill were spared the glare of the media circus.

The crowds kept braying… the channels kept chasing the ratings... the producers kept amping the drama - a sick puppy chasing it's tail, spinning ever faster, out of control, desperate for the next quick reality fix.

Countless ‘creatives’ are paid to scheme up ever more shocking scenarios and countless nobodies are queuing up to endure them, sold the lie that fame or even infamy can change your life.

------------

So where will it end?

Come on! It ends with blood. It ends with sacrifice. It ends tonight.
Tonight Kian Oduya died – but not before lifting the curtain on the puppetry that pushed it all to this point.

Five were cracked…only one was killed …the first, and I hope, last to die before your eyes.

The ultimate sacrifice to drag this horrible entertainment to it’s inevitable finale…

Tonight Kian Oduya died for all of your sins – the great martyr of Reality TV.

The one who surrendered himself to liberate you – Yes indeed, it ends tonight.

You’ve finally seen it – you’ve got what you’ve been waiting all this time for.

Summer’s dead.

Now Get Back To Reality.

WARNING: Reality TV Is Seriously Bad For Your Health 17:55

I like to think of what I am doing here as a kind of public service. A kind of cautionary tale for all you would-be reality show contestants. Don't do it kids...it seriously screws you up.

But, like lambs to the slaughter, they never learn. Let's look at the genre's most recent offering, Who Killed Summer...

They say: "I'm strong. What you see is what you get with me. I have nothing to hide"

I say: "Crap!"

Jude - Stomped around blowing a permanent wolf-whistle to anything in a skirt. Bored everyone to tears with tales of his sexual prowess with the ladies. Ranted endlessly about his unique sexual charisma that, apparently, the girls could no more resist than Pete Doherty can the crack pipe....

But, you have been hiding something, haven't you Jude? Seems the ladies don't stand a chance...

Emma - I'm strong, I don't care what people think of me, I can take whatever the press will throw at me when I'm more famous than God, for being famous.

But, that's not true is it Emma? You do have something to hide. You are terrified if the truth about your past comes out that it'll shatter any image you have spent so long carefully building

Kian - I'm a good person. I'm bright and honest and true. I am not easily led and I have nothing to hide. I will show them all that the spotlight of reality TV doesn't always expose dirt and shame. What have I got to be ashamed of??? Wrong!

And then they say: "I'm strong. I play it as I want to. I can't be played with and manipulated by some dumb show - I'm made of stronger stuff...I have standards, morals, I wouldn't do something I didn't really want to because of being on the show"

I say: "Crap!"

Tete - So clean and sober, so proud. So strong in your new skin. You simply took part in this to show both yourself and the world that you were no longer the hopeless junky rock-star kid cliche, didn't you? You didn't need drugs in your life? And nothing or no one would change that, would it?Wrong!

Claire - So chaste. So pure. Such a fine moral compass. I'm a virgin and proud of it. Sex is about love and commitment in the eyes of God, isn't it? I wear my 'promise ring' to show the world that I am proud of these values.

And no dumb reality show would possible manipulate me into changing this. No 'silly little blog', no harshly worded critique from a stranger could possibly embarrass me to go against all that I hold dear and stand for, could it? Hmm.

And then there's Dieter... a hero to all. A true hero, right? RIGHT? Well, we'll see about that - watch this space...

Puppets - the lot of them. As they all are. As anyone stupid enough to want to expose themselves day and night to complete strangers is. And they all deserve exactly what they get.

I Need A Hero! 11:38

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night!

He’s gotta be strong!

And he’s gotta be fast!

And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight!

I need a hero!

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light!

He’s gotta be sure!

And it’s gotta be soon!

And he’s gotta be larger than life!

Love that song...

So Dieter, will you be my hero?

The man really is incredible.

He's aced practically every task thrown at him on WKS.

He's totally bagged 'the girl', sweeping hot-tot Emma off her feet and into his bed. And, like the Oracle, he dispenses sage advice to his fellow contestants, all of which look to him like the wise Gladiator he is.

I've got to hand it to him. As reality plebs go, Dieter breaks the mold.

He's not in this for 'the fame'; he's not hiding a closet-full of secrets that he, stupidly, thinks won't be outed...paraded in front of gossip hungry audiences; and he's certainly not like his fellow puppets, sorry contestants, that are as easy to manipulate as silly putty.

Nope, he's the real deal - a true 'what you see is what you get', 100% prime-beef, all man...HERO

...Isn't he????

Ladies man or little lady??? 19:31

Who would have thought that self-styled 'clunge-magnet', Jude Jasper, was actually more 'Judy Garland' than 'Hey Jude'???

Well, they say that those that protest too much have the most to hide, don't they? And throughout this series Jude has protested quite a bit...

So ladies, sorry to shatter your fantasies of a night spent rolling around on expensive hotel sheets with this pocket-sized pop prince, but the truth is out - Jude is Gay. He prefers the scent of a man. He likes to keep with his own...as these pictures irrefutably show:

Suddenly it all makes sense: his near melt-down at 'touching' Liam Gallagher; his heart-felt odes to the 'genius' of Kele Okereke of Bloc Party; his pedantic obsession with his clothes; and the sure giveaway - the constant 'chase me, chase me' mincing around fellow WKS contestant Dieter 'the body' Dahl (the love that dare not breathe it's name????)

But Jude - c'mon, this is 2009. You want to be in the entertainment business. Who gives a shit? No one, little man, but you. After all, it hasn't done Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Michael Stipe, Elton John, Lou Reed, Morrissey, to name but a few, any harm harm...

You'll see in time. David Hampton is just looking out for you. You'll thank me in the long run...

As always, glad to be of help. x

Looks like someone didn't just kill summer... 10:01

Kian Oduya should be in prison. Back To Reality has come into exclusive possession of some disturbingly incriminating evidence that shows what appears to be a straight-up confession by Kian over a hit and run incident two years ago.


According to Kian, he was driving back from a party in the early hours of the morning, hit a pedestrian and...drove off.

"I've lived with this for the last two years", moans killer-Kian, without a trace of regret.




This 'confession' happened a few weeks back on the WKS bus and was, unknown to Kian, caught by the bus cameras (hello you fool - this is a reality show...the cameras are rolling!) It was never broadcast and the producers believed the tape has been erased. But, dear readers, as you will have gathered by now, David Hampton is better than any hack when it comes to digging out the truth.


When Dieter, understandably, urged cold-blooded Kian to go to the police, the coward replied:
"Hit and run? they'll lock me away - five years minimum..."


Well sir, you better get used to it - BTR takes a pretty dim view of this sort of thing.

Though i'm sure now I've done the right thing the relevant authorities will be in touch...

Only happy to help.


It's nice to be nice you know - your caring friend David.

Ha. Nice idea... poor execution. 22:10

"Nine young women have been duped into appearing in internet pornography after starring in a fake Big Brother-style show."
SKY NEWS REPORT HERE>>>>>>

What a great story - so topical, so prescient, so timely... incredibly it makes Who Killed Summers? band of fame seeking cretins look intelligent.

It seems I'm not the only one keen to push the Reality show genre forward - pity I'm the only one with real intelligence pulling the strings. This bunch of Turkish scamsters don't have a clue.

No tasks, No evictions... no well nothing. Of course they got suspicious.

You're not dealing with Steven f***ing Hawking here - 9 bimbos desperate for 15 mins of fame - surely you could keep those peep cams running for a little longer, stretch it out a little, get some really juicy footage. Just give em some costumes - make them eat a few creepy crawlies... hell turn the hot water off.

The only thing these people understand is the carrot and the stick - actually no it's the stick.

That's right - they don't want to lounge around a pool all day chatting about Posh and Becks. No they want to be reality show contestants... they want to be mistreated - they EXPECT it. That's what they want.

Force feed them live bugs, lock them up, humilate them, force them to list each others faults, introduce ex-boyfriends, enemies. Suddenly they feel like real stars.

Oh the irony.

So nice idea guys, but leave it to the professionals...

and leave it to the stick.

Just say no kids 13:35

Oh dear...what a mess.

There I was just minding my own business, just tuning into the latest episode of WKS and whoah what do I see. Tete, Tete, Tete - what's happened?

Had been 100% drug-free for 3 whole years. Left all that crap behind. Ready for a new start... oops. Seems someone can't quite break the habit.

I thought it was shot beautifully - covered in full technicolour by the sympathetic producers of Who Killed Summer? They must feel like all their christmases have come at once - reality gold. Amp up the ratings, let's see a little drama. Thankyou once again DH you've saved our mess of a show.

Apparently, the word on the WKS street is that yours truly actually paid that naughty scallywag Billy to hone in on Tete, seduce her and then get her firmly back on the drugs.

What a slanderous accusation Tete.

You should be thankful that I haven't phoned my lawyer immediately to sue you for libel.

Who'd have thought interactive dramas could be so rewarding:)

DH x

Isn't it nice meeting old friends... 13:19

You've got to love Facebook eh Emma?

Without it you'd probably lose touch with all your old friends from back in the day.

Dear old chums like Lauren here might never have been able to track you down and pay you a surprise visit would they?

And I'm sure you would have been gutted to have missed such a happy reunion like this one.

Of course, not everyone likes to hold onto their past.

Some people actually have pasts that they would choose to forget.

Some people have buried their pasts and reinvented themselves, and actually the very last thing they want is for skeletons to come out of that closet.

Painful memories...events that, in their mind,might really screw things up for them if they got out.

But, that's not you is it Emma. I'm sure you'd like to pat the person on the back that so diligently tracked down your old pal Lauren and told her where you were and what you were doing nowadays.

Think nothing of it. Happy to help x

Let me spell this out... 13:40

Because maybe, just maybe things aren't clear enough.

Hi I'm Claire. I'm a virgin. I'm going to ram this fact down your throats for eight weeks. But i'm weak. I'm desperate. And I'm only wearing this ring because without it I am nothing... charmless, bland, boring. No one.

What Promise Ring? 17:15

Tut, tut, tut...

It looks like Who Killed Summer's resident bible-bashing virgin, Claire, isn't quite the undriven snow scape she has gone to such lengths throughout this series to convince us she is. In fact, as the evidence here clearly shows us, she is more voracious nymph than virgin bride...

So who's your new friend Claire? Because it certainly doesn't look like the boyfriend you've been boring everyone to near suicide with, by endlessly droning on about these last weeks.

That's right folks, even those amongst us brandishing 'promise rings' - today's equivalent of the chastity belt - aren't quite the 'never been kissed brides' they assure their other halves (that's you Jonathan) they are.

No siree - and all it took was a naff make-over from her fellow contestants; the loan of a slapper's dress courtesy of Emma and a skin full of alcopops at a nearby nightclub and she was practically dragging this poor lump back to her hotel room for..?

Well, let's just say that the room echoed to the sound of ecstatic, orgasmic groans for a good couple of hours before the exhausted stud made good his exit...

Oh, and Claire - there one thing that God loathes even more than a harlot and that's a hypocrite.

Who Killed the vibe? 20:41

Get me off this bus and away from these idiots!

This lot really don't like each other. I'm loving it. They obviously signed up for what they thought would be one endless VIP party, and found themselves lumped together in close confinement with a bunch of their worst nightmares. And now they have to endure it for nearly 2 solid months!! It's like a bizarre version of 'Survivor'.

Oh yes, things are really hotting up between the busmates:

Emma hates Claire's goody two-shoes behaviour.

Dieter's hippy-dippy lifestyle is annoying everyone.

Tete's mysteriouly spending a lot of time in 'the toilets' these days.

And Kian and Jude are fighting over leadership.

I predict we are inches away from a proper ruck!

Finally, now the entertainment starts!

The WKS paranoia grows 08:53

Who is it bus-mates? Who's watching you....

I can see you Claire.

I'm watching you Tete...

Kian, don't think you aren't being overseen

Dieter, that's revolting

I saw that Jude

Emma, the walls have eyes.

11 down... 08:48

Fascinating article on thewrap.com. Some boffin has done the research and concluded that since reality TV began all those years ago (roughly agreeded to be when BB started) that no less than 11 fragile contestants have tried to top themselves once the music stops.

Once again bolstering my point: these puppets shouldn't take part in this shit. Reality TV is seriously dangerous for your health weak people.

Wonder how long now until we can tally a list of those MURDERED on reality TV?

BTR gets starring role 22:28

Back to this summer's most bizarre reality effort, Who Killed Summer. Contestants here are using this blog as it's sick note, it's excuse to teacher. Not one episode goes past when this lot don't obssess about what's posted here? What can we say - glad to be of service.

In today's episode, loathsome wannabe reality hero Kian rallies his raggle taggle troupe into mutiny - telling the producers to basically piss off and that the six of them will be doing one for a few days! I have to admit - reality TV GOLD! The contestants demand a weekend break??!! And get one! Genius.

He pretends to be reading from everyone's favourite blog, yours truly, blagging that we've been leaked information and written about the conflict, with mystic meg-like accuracy.

There's no denying it - our little posts about their banal, vacant goings on have certainly put the wind up them - it's like watching a bunch of students descend into a bad trip - paranoia flying around like a cloud of bats. They are convinced that one of the production crew are feeding me a steady stream of pics and secret footage, all less than flattering, juicy stuff. Which, of course, I can neither confirm or deny.

This is quite a nice new feeling - directly influencing these gormless puppets myself - BTR produces WKS...this I like..

I'm not game-planning...not even for £100,000 15:03

My hand hurts. I have once again involuntarily punched the screen. I am of course watching Big Brother.

'I don't have a game plan', says living cigarette lezza Lisa.

'I know everyone's game plan' whinges Freddie 'I'm so clever that I can read all of them - but you can't read mine because I am a Greek God and better than you', he almost added.

'We don't have game-plans' cheep the rest, like the gormless mass they are...

Well why not you stupid twats?

Let's just go over this once again shall we?

1: You audition for Big Brother - a reality show in which strangers live together, nominating each other for eviction that the public vote on weekly.

2: The prize for the last one standing after, what seems like, 18,975 episodes, is a cool £100,000

3: You win a place on the show

4: You try and get on with people and make the viewers like you

5: You nominate people for eviction and hope you aren't nominated

6: You try and stay on the show for as long as possible - £100K is a lot of dosh.

Despite this - you have no plan whatsoever. You think 'playing the game and going for the cash prize' is, what, undignified? Not cricket? Goes against the egalitarian, anti-capitalist spirit of the vision for a new world order that you have dedicated your life to bringing about, with this appearance on Big Brother being just one step of your highly intricate journey towards that goal?

For Chrissakes, you all have a game plan - put very simply, it is a plan to win. Unless, of course, you are severely mentally impaired (stand up 43% of all past contestants) and have no idea what a cash prize is.

I have a game-plan. It's quite short really. It involves lining all reality contestants up on a very long plank that hovers over very deep water from a very bouncy boat. And, here's the plan bit, I plan to jump up and down on the springy boat because, if my plan works, they will all fall in.

And there is no rescue boat around for 800 nautical miles.

And I don't plan to throw any of the life jackets.

I like my plan.

Mum, Am I Ugly? 14:50

After all these years of scrutinising and shafting reality TV, it still utterly amazes me how thick skinned most of these idiots are. Right here is a classic example. Marcus, aka the night strangler, aka wolfman, aka creepy pillock - was almost reduced to tears yesterday after seeing one of the official BB pics of himself.

He's got it into his bonce that the picture is unflattering, and that seeing it 'almost made me cry'. Unflattering??!! When was the last time this preposterously unattractive knob actually looked in the mirror? When watching him on screen I can almost hear the collective tsunami of vomiting from women (and men-fancying men) up and down the country. Watercooler BB conversations (all 3 of them for this series) inevitably focus on the sheer jaw-dropping ugliness of Marcus - inside and out.

Indeed, his physical appearance (akin to a 10 year old trying to dress up as an X-man with only his mum's wig and stick on brillo-pads to hand) is bad enough. But coupled with his truly revolting manner around the opposite sex, combines to him easily qualifying for a Chanel FIVE shockumentary about ugly folk as medical phenomena.

He simply cannot have enjoyed much female companionship over the years - the ponytail, the sideburns, the dodgy eye, the 'rapey' demeanour - would have put pay to that. So how the hell does he manage to build an ego that can be reduced to tears by, what he thinks is, an unflattering picture?

Watch his face (try and endure it) as he's evicted. As the doors open he seriously expects an army of adoring fans to be whooping with adoration. I cannot wait to see how the woverine boat of his tries to mask the utter shock at the scale of loathing pointing towards him.

P.S. A rarely seen picture of Dogface, having accidentally looked at Marcus first thing in the morning.

Slut 19:42

Well, well I bet her Mum is very proud. What a lady. She's a dark horse that Tete.

From day 1 she's played the whole 'I'm leaving my bad ways behind - this is a chance for me to enjoy myself without the decadence and bad antics that I previously indulged in.'

Really Tete? Well it took you precicesly about 12.4 minutes to drop your knickers for this specimin And what a catch! Where did Kian find this 'toilet roll salesman'? In a toilet?

Billy looks like he hasn't had a bath since his mummy used to do it for him. He practically exudes smell-o-vision. Those rags, sorry clothes, of his have never known washing powder.
I mean, I know that some women like a bit of rough, but c'mon Tete! This is beyond a bit of rough - this is a bit of salmonella.

So, lady that she is, Tete wasted no time in exploring the back of septic's mouth - as these exclusive pictures show. Approximately 3 mins after these were taken, they retired to Tete's tent bunk where, I am reliably informed, they indulged in very noisy, very gratuitous sex.
















Here's a chick who likes to play the sophisticated card showing her true colours - nothing but an easy catch.

Cutting room floored 14:35

Now then, here's a thought.

Heaven forbid, but just imagine if BTR happened to come across some unseen footage from that particular day...Stuff that didn't make it into the actual episode...outtakes...the odd mislaid tape...left on a train, or something...

IF, such an impossible thing did happen, the conversation might have continued like this:

Emma: God she's so F###### sensitive. She can't take any critisism. It's like she thinks she better than you.

Kian: "Yeah, I know what you mean. And she is soooo boring. I can't remember having a single interesting conversation with her the whole trip.

Emma: And she leaches onto me like a bloody, um, leach. Every time I turn around, there she is.

Jude: Her boyfriend must be some kind of a nutter. What's he doing waiting all this long for God Squad? It's not exactly first prize is it!

All laugh.

But, as I say, that's just how it might have gone, if such a tape existed.

Even her so called friends hate her 14:25

{claire and so called 'friend'}

---Celebrity status alert! Genius irony alert! BTR has been featured in an episode of WKS - Look mum I'm on the telly!!!!---

It was my gentle observations of Claire that made the cut - the last episode when she runs off blubbing. Oh Claire, Claire, Claire. The little kingFISHER. So sensitive to the critisism. So fragile.

Well tough titty sweet-pea. BTR accepts zero responsibility for telling it exactly like it is when it comes to the plastic people who actually take part in these shows. No siree.

The show is now becoming increasingly hysterical to watch - Emma is doing everything in her power to ditch Claire! But she just won't take the hint.

As far as I can tell, the only winner of Claire being on the show is her boyfriend. At least he gets some peace and quiet from her sexless whinings for a few weeks.

But seriously, is Claire-bear exuding some rank smell or something? Because her bus-buddies are anything but her buddies. In the epsiode we see Kian stumble across my humble blog, Claire gets a glimpse and storms off in proper tears. Didn't see Emma, Jude or Kian exactly falling over themselves to go and comfort her. Instead they had a bit of a giggle:

Emma: (Laughing - comparing C to Silke Kauffman) "It looks like her doesn't it?!"
Miaow.

Killer Entertainment 10:57

It's no longer a case of when, but how serious. Doesn't it seem a long time ago that these sorts of shows were all about entertainment? When relatively well-balanced, albeit fame-hungry, people took part in them for a new experience.

This year alone we have seen Susan Boyle totally lose it; an 11-year-old Aiden Davis reduced to tears in front of 2 million viewers; no less than THREE Big Brother contestants walking out with totally shredded nerves...

And now this. Remember happy-go-lucky (yet utterly irritating) Sree? He's only gone and tried to off himself.

Let it be known here that BTR has long predicted that this is the year when the lid finally blows and we all find ourselves glued to our sets as a contestant turns the knife on someone else - live death...for our entertainment. Now that's what you call a watercooler moment.

Is this the most boring Reality Show contestant ever? 19:02

It’s been standard knockoff fare from the start – sub Big Brother shit featuring a merry band of whining prima-donnas desperate for their moment in the sun.

However up until now at least reality producers have bothered to make an effort when they cast their future z listers. This time around, it looks like they knocked off at 3 to go to the pub, leaving some idiot researcher to OK contestant number 6.

“Ladies and gentlemen….Claire!”

Jesus – the most empty, charisma free waste of space ever to grace a so called ‘entertainment show’.

At least the other two girls on the WKS coach are camera friendly – the hot blonde, and the hot brunette. You can see what the producers were thinking – them two are category A gossip mag fodder – but Claire… Claire??

What does she offer?

“I love pop music! “ “Jonathon is the one!” “Look at my promise band!”

SHUT UP! Not only is she blessed with a dress that’d make your gran cringe she’s like an entertainment black hole – her goody goody mummy’s girl act sucking any fun, enthusiasm or joy into an infinite point of dull.

You can just see the guys on the bus glazing over every time she comes into view, in fact I think I speak for the entire male population when I congratulate Jonathon (who sounds like a giant tool anyway) for slipping that ring on her finger.

Promise Ring? The only promise Jonathon wants from Claire is to keep her bag lady clothes on. Having said that, should Claire really push the boat out and actually have more than two drinks, the sight of her naked should be contraception enough…

That's the way to do it! 09:22

A rare moment of entertainment in Big Brother these last couple of days, thanks to Wolf-man Marcus. First up the deeply creepy one throws a total tantrum when BB gently ribs him as part of one of his cringe-inducing tasks. He'd wittered previously about BB taking an 'awesome photo' of him, making him look like 'a complete top boy' (not humanly possible - even with photo shop). Obviously embarrassed at the revelation to 2 million people that he'd said something impossibly twatty (Oh yeah, the cameras pick up everything), he reverted to playground and smashed up the diary room.But the best bit was when he eventually, sheepishly crawled back to the diary room to apologise. Only his apology took the form of a deranged lecture to BB about how, if he were producing, he'd make such a better go of it. "I know what makes great telly and I offered you gold - you didn't take it".

Finally,we are here. The contestants think they can produce a better show than the producers. The lunatics are taking over the asylum. Inevitable really.

When will they learn? 13:24

I'm amused to hear the Who Killed Summer 'innocent', Claire, whingeing about how she's worried about how fellow contestant, Emma, might be perceived. Where have these people been before they take part in such shows? A cardboard box? Or, maybe in Claire's case, tucked up in bible class - away from the harmful realities of modern life.

She furrows her brow and does a good stab at real worry when she says to Kian 'I'm just worried about how she's coming across'. Note to Claire - turn your worry a little closer to home dear. Emma might be many things, but she clearly gets that the cameras are on her. The question is Claire - what do the viewers make of you?

Dumb and dumber? 22:25

So this Who Killed Summer malarkey is shaping up to be quite a classic. Grudgingly I have to admit to finding these 6 wannabes a fraction more watchable than the doozies on Big Brother. Maybe I'm having a rare moment of philanthropy, but I'd even go so far as to say that a couple are vaguely likeable (I know, I know - call it sunstroke)

My gripe at the moment is with the reets producing this. Check out the contestant's 'task' this week!

Jesus, how many researchers on travel expenses does it take to come up with 'challenges' like these? Get autographs. Biggest names make you the winner - duh!

Nice to see Liam Gallagher hasn't evolved one iota though - like Cheddar cheese or the wheel - some things in life are just reassuringly...constant.

Brand New Targets - hurrah! 11:07

Just when I was about to suffer serious reality-hating withdrawl symptoms (Big Brother being so dull it doesn't merit comment) - this pops up

Oh. My. God. This looks set to mark a new bench in reality programming. It's early days, only the first 4 min episode has gone out, but already I can see how this one looks set to be the perfect target.

We have the full gamut of wannabe's: The show-off; the babe; the he-man; the square; the token exotic and the thinker.

Apparently, the plan is to send them off on one endless party - hitting festivals, gigs, parties etc over the summer and, get this, seeing which one is still standing! Which researcher on £10 travel expenses p/w came up with this gem!?

Could this be the final nail in reality's coffin?

Dogface doesn't know 22:40

WHY is the current series of Big Brother getting lower viewing figures than crap like 'The Baby Who Swallowed a Baby Elephant' on Living? It' not even getting 2million a night now - that's like less than The Sky at Night (probably)

Has the nation finally fallen out of love with reality TV? Or is reality TV, as we know and hate it, finally running out of steam?

I was fascinated, but not at all surprised, to learned that 80% of this year's housemates have 'below average IQs'. I mean, seriously, if you did actually put 10 monkeys in a room alongside 10 of this year's contestants - both with typewriters, the monkeys would definitely churn out War & Peace quicker.

But the stupidest by far. Quite possibly the thickest plank ever to grace our screens - the woman who genuinely makes Jade Goody's retardo-rants look like the brainy musings of an Oxford academic, has to be Dogface. Last night I counted the amount of times she said 'I dunno'. It was a learning-difficulty-tastic 53!! She uses the words as punctuation, as adjectives, as nouns and verbs and other grammar stuff - sometimes just randomly on their own, like a fluffy yellow bird tweeting the same stupid little tweet.

One sentence actually consisted of: "It's like, I dunno, I think he, I dunno, I haven't said anything to him but, I dunno, he's, I dunno. I dunno what to say because, I dunno, he just seems really, I dunno. It's like he's, I dunno, kind of, I dunno". THAT was the sentence! Literally.

Now, dear readers, as you well know, no one loathes reality TV - those that make it (badly) and those that 'star' in it - more than me. But COME ON. Surely there is just enough life left in the old dog to churn out something beyond having to watch a gang of vapid, vain, backward assholes walking around telling each other 'I dunno' all day?

Someone please - help me care about hating this goddamn stuff again.

Freddie WHY? 23:29

I'm not down with this whole public support of Halfwit any more. At first I liked him, he seemed harmless enough. But now he's shown himself to be one of those people that thinks they know how to play the game. He thinks he rules that house. And all the while the public don't vote him out of every election - the more he believes his own hype.

This halfwit knows nothing about how this game really works. Thinks he's in control? Don't make me laugh. He'd be first against the wall.

Bye Bye Baby 09:57

73.16 per cent of the vote!

It must have been his convincing accent that won the fans over...

Or his way with the ladies...

Unbelievable 09:50

Now you can actually learn how to be a Total Loser...

I Can't Look 09:27

You may have noticed a complete absence of comments about the moment's big reality event, Big Brother. See it as a protest. I have found this year to be so utterly banal; barrel-scrapingly infantile; preposterously humiliating and downright shit that I can't bring myself to waste any precious words.

The concensus is that this series, likely to be C4's last version, is the 'put it all on red' edition for the producers. They've gone back through all the boxes left over from previous editions, the boxes marked 'ideas for challenges/wind-ups/housemate head-jams that not even a malicious 7-year old child would use' and...used them all.

Draw glasses and a tashe on your face in permenant marker every day

Re-name yourself by deedpoll Halfwit and Dogface

Only dump on that glass box in the garden in full view of the world

And, of course, like doped-up children, mindlessly following Peter Pan....they all do it. No questions asked.

Words cannot express the loathing and contempt I feel for these vacant human husks, these pathetic empty pages so lacking in self-esteem that they would, no doubt about it, eat their own genitals if it secured them an extra £5 shopping budget.

Britain's Got... The Walmsleys 15:35

Jack Walmsley, 45 - "Our friends think we're crackpots".

When even your friends think you're totally mental, does that not give you a clue to how deranged you are?

Yes this is the sad story of the Walmsley family, who have decided that what the world definitely needs is a 24/7 live stream of their mundane and pointless lives.

The fact that they look like the bastard spawn of Sloth from the Goonies makes this an even more hideous proposition.

There's not even a clever idea behind it - if you're going to attempt some sub-big brother rip off at least make an effort.

Next time Walmsley's stick to radio. Or preferably contraception.

'Big Brother gives ordinary people a chance' 15:21

Big Brother 2008:

Rex: "How many days are there in two years?"

Rachel: "There's 56 in a year"

Mohamed "That's a leap year"

Big Brother 2009:

Compulsory IQ test - note 100 is AVERAGE.

• Karly 79
• Rodrigo 89
• Noirin 80
• Sree 74
• Cairon 92
• Siavash 99
• Charlie 97
• Kris 92
• Angel 94
• Lisa 55
• Saffia 69
• Sophie 60
• Marcus 122
• Sophia 128
• Freddie 125

Morons every last one, being manipulated for the entertainment of the masses.

(*Idea BB producers - maybe next time check the IQs and then cast people with real intelligence instead of these dregs... who knows, you might get a better show)

oh, and we almost got away with it. 21:33

It's incredible - BB10 has done it, finally we've reached a point where the producers and the cast have almost given up any pretence that this show is anything but a chance for all involved to make a quick buck.

The producers admitted as much even before they began when they talked about cracking down on 'fake romances' - and yet what do we have just a 10 days in, but the two pretty morons (read dogface + visual merchandiser, wtf? - you mean you work in a shop?) are rumbled.

Not only that, but the pair are so vacant they couldn't even manage to string it along for a few days. Clearly they were both so wrapped up in their clever scheme that they forgot that Big Brother might be filming them.

Like all the time... you know... for the show? yeah? all those cameras? remember? oh, oops, of course! dammit big brother, you're so clever.

No one goes on reality TV as themselves anymore - everyone tries to play a game, thinks they know better, and time and time again they're shown up.

Against all the odds they've made Halfwit look like Steven hawking.

Revealed: Dr Evil is BB10's series producer 08:55

Just three days in and BB10 has already revealed its makers to be evil beyond reproach. It seems a very long time ago when Big Brother was at least an attempt at a social experiment: All krypton factor experiments and chicken maintenance. Year on year the humiliation, mind gmaes and plain nastiness has ramped up, and now we have this: We'll tell you you've won a place in the house; you'll be excited beyond belief; endure running the gauntlet as you enter, nerves shred - Then, get this, we'll torture you all by telling you you have to 'win' the right to stay. Hilarious right? And so we find five members, dressed like Guantanimo detainees, lined up in front of the nation in some kind of vicious popularity contest. Poor old Benazir. When did nasty playground bullying become a byword for entertainment?

The 'might as well vote for me coz all parties are the same anyway aren't they and anyway who gives a shit about the ordinary voter' party 10:39

Freddie BB10. Mr "I'm in this for a laugh" - Mr, "Let's all just enjoy this experience right now gang...no agendas" - Mr "some people come onto this show for the fame or exposure but not me, I'm just a good time guy who wants everyone to love each other and get along"

No wonder our entire political system is in total meltdown when pillocks like this are the kind of numbskulls that actually end up getting the jobs and, in turn, ruling our lives. "Better the Devil you know" eh Freddie? Actually NO. Better you get evicted immediately and never, ever win an election anywhere near me.

Heaven must be missing an Angel 09:23

Or is that Hospital is missing a patient? WTF does she think she's doing with this entrance? It's beyond beyond. Like watching a mash up of Marcel Marceau, Jonny Depp as Willy Wonka, a splash of Helena Bonham-Carter at her most OTT, a pinch of pantomime villan, Cruella Deville and..."

...A TOTAL IDIOT.

Bad Brother 09:10

I can't believe it's already that time of year again. Where does the time go eh? And this one really looks set to top the lot. Last night's cast of tits are easily the most fame-hungry, self-regarding, empty, retarded bunch of puppets ever to grace our screens.

I can feel the lava rising.

Just an hour in and already this bitch, who spent her whole intro-interview extolling her own beauty, literally "I'd give myself a 10", only to agree to have her eyebrows shaved off and a pair of comedy glasses and moustache drawn onto her mug in permanent marker pen 'indefinitely', in order to secure a place in the house...Jesus help me

(note to producers: The whole 'win tasks for a place in the house' is a shite idea that conveys to your audience that you are desperate and scraping the barrel from the off. Try harder you muppets)

It's not my fault 09:05

Observing the long queue of high flying TV-types, that's formed over this last week, all lining up to proclaim their innocence over Susan Boyle's meltdown is akin to the Nazi war-crime tribunals, no? 'It's not our fault'...'they made me do it'...'we had no reason to psych test her'...'we just thought she was eccentric' = "BGT is an elaborate smokescreen for the continuation of eugenics and the obliteration of all that are weak or unstable in our society"

line em up!

Weeping kids and baiting the mentally ill 12:28

Yup, just about sums up BGT this season. As we see series fave Susan Boyle being 'rushed' to the priory after her shock defeat last weekend shouldn't we be asking ourselves - is this crap right?

Producers knew Boyle was mentally fragile. Cowell knew this, but the lure of £8m record was obviously too much. Provoking kids to tears, heaping way too much pressure on a clearly unstable mind...where's this all going to? 'Execution Factor' - live deaths, as decided by you the view and the panel of judges....

I'm not even joking.

Mad for the Music 17:44

I'm totally loving this who 'Susan Boyle's a nutter' malarkey. Of course she's bloody unhinged - she went on national television dressed in a sack and sang an Andrew Lloyd-Webber song...hello!

Now her, at first charming, crush on Piers Morgan is starting to err into full-blown psychosis ("How dare he praise any other contestant. I'm the ony apple in Piers's eye"; and innocent tourists in Wembley hotels are being accosted as if by a spluttering bag-lady.

All this and yet we are promised that the producers of this kind of shite ensure 'full psychological screenings' go on...

If you leave 8 monkeys 20:56

In an edit suite long enough, they will eventually cut together the absolute truth about anyone twat enough to


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'audition' for the Apprentice

they're coming to take me away... 11:32

WTF! Please, someone??!

Britain's got Talent!!! This is care in the community and, urgently needed too.

"I want to take human sax across the world" - Listen carefully Kay: The world neither needs nor wants it. Now pipe down and take your meds.

The terrifying thing is that he's far from alone...

Bye Bye Howard boo hoo 11:13

Ole blue eyes get the boot. Yawn. Bye. What's your name again?

Though full points to the increasingly savage, genius Nick 'the Hawk' Hewer, who come boardroom panto-time, fixed ole Howie with his Crow like stare and told him: "You're not a brave warrior...you're not a big guy...are you?"

Ouch.

Howard, on the floor, his guts spilt - Suralan steps up to finish the job off - "Yes, you're a steady Eddie. You are ORDINARY"

That's gotta hurt.

Mummy... I don't want to do this anymore. I want to play with my friend who licks my face.

Unleash the hounds 10:57

This is brilliant. Twitter have been scratching their heads over how to actually earn a penny from their wildly successful (and mindlessly tedious) invention. Finally they have come up with the solution - Celebrity hunting.

Cue legions of celebs craping it and suddenly 'don't want to play anymore'. Obviously they are happy to share every detail of their achingly naff lives with legions of adoring twits, but remove that fourth wall and they all run for the hills...

"I don't want to be stalked" says king twit Ashton Kutcher ("I do, please, stalk me, stalk me", says Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace). No, but you don't mind stalking cyberspace with your endlessly trivial musings do you Ashton? You don't consider how the rest of us have to endure your witterings as a kind of infinite Chinese water torture, do you eh? Now shut up and be stalked...

Twitter describes their new 'top secret' project as being about "putting ordinary people on the trail of celebrities" - great. But then again, what sort of empty, vacuous, zero-self esteem idiot actually wants to be put on the trail of Demi Moore, Britney spears or Stephen bloody Fry?

I say throw a few high-grade weapons into the mix and let them all stalk each other...last man standing style.

Yeah Momma, I'd sure watch that.

It's Not My Fault Officer 17:49

It's all soooo grubby isn't it?

"I shouldn't drive babe"

"Go home Dane, before the paps turn up...They snap you here and Pete really will go apeshit"

"Is that it? I'm all worked up now"

"Thanks for the wine. Was it really 3 for a tenner?"

"I'll give you 3 for a tenner!"

"Go!

I'll call you...Cheeky!"

Real Soul 16:44

This guy, and then his kid, really mean what they are doing here. I mean, they totally feel it.
A rare, rare, rare, rare, rare, rare, rare reality moment. Dix Points.

Say no more 18:31

Reality TV: Pitch 1 17:07

Commissioner: I want something edgy... something with kids and parents - you know, the kids with knives, parents on the edge. Think Brat Camp meets War on Terror...

Producer: Ok. So therapy... extreme therapy?

Commissioner: Yeah, extreme therapy - sod Supernanny, what's really gonna push things along...

Producer: Well you know they're closing down Guantanamo?

Commissioner: Of course! Can you get access?

Producer: Well we almost got Gringo Express away with them last year... Geneva shit killed it.

Ok... so how about we send these off the rails kids and their waster parents to Guantanamo...

Commissioner: I like it. Where's the jeopardy...

Producer: So the kid smokes - we waterboard him until he quits. Another kid has a weight problem - well there's a purpose built exercise yard, let the porker sweat. Attitude issues, hell, let's get em naked and pile them on top of each other - if it worked for the military, it'll work for TV.

Leave them all there 6 weeks - then we finish show with a kangaroo court made up of mums and dads - winners get to go home, losers... well that's 2nd series.

Commissioner: Ah shit - I've just found out BBC Three commissioned this stinking heap of...

Darwin was wrong 15:28

Ok, so news that Paris Hilton is looking for godparents which is no biggie - she's accepted enough sperm donors to make her a bonafide charitable organisation, so its odds on that she'll be spitting out some hideous offspring before long, so why not get in early.

According to wikipedia:

"The modern view of a godparent tends to be an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child's upbringing and personal development."

Hmm. So first off this kid is going to grow up with mummy Paris, (no dad - he'll be shagging an Olsen by then) and sharing cot space with a mangy handbag sized dog called Pootsie, whilst developing early onset epilepsy from endless flash photography.

As if that's not enough to cripple the poor bag of bones, it's going to get sex-ed from the Hilton family home videos and then 'personal development' from posh and becks.

Survival of the fittest? Looks like we just proved Darwin wrong...

Mine's a Cinzano, Get Me Out of Here! 10:55

Gazza's signed up for I'm A Celebrity.

The show's an Medieval-style visit 'to see the lunatics' at the best of times, but this takes the amaretto biscuit. How long before his thirst gets the better of him and we see the first 'escape from the jungle'? Bets please.

Still, it's nice to see he's learned his lesson after seeing the pain and anguish his utterly tedious, self-obsessed drinking has brought to his family via a documentary earlier this year. Nice to see he's reflected and taken a fierce moral inventory. Nice to see how he realises how, for some people like himself, booze really is something to be avoided - certainly not glamorised...

I know I've seen Debra somewhere before... 00:39

Oh yeah. Watch out for those umbrellas Margaret...

Extra Skinny latte please... 23:20

...oh, go on then, and just a little bit of cream...and some of them chocolate sprinkles...and a bit of that caramel swirl...and some cream. More cream. More.

This one slipped through the net:

Britain's Next Top Model announce a 'twist' this series. One of the contestants is anorexic.

Who's doing press here? What idiot producer came up with that one? We all now that the only real 'twist' would be that one of them isn't anorexic.

(Mean bit: that must be a very old photo. In the good old eclair days, eh Jade? The Twix, Topic, Picnic days, yeah?)

Your name is BEN 23:03